Broken Families

Things happen in life that are wrong.  Families argue, drift apart or explode in arguments and drama.  It doesn’t matter the reason – the story. What matters is that unless people can come together and talk openly and honestly, the story will not change.  At least, not for the better.

The stories we tell ourselves about our lives and our interactions with other people are simply our perspective, and our perspective will be unbalanced if we don’t have the other side of the story.  The same tale told from another person’s perspective is very likely to be different.  Families are frequently destroyed because people cannot or will not see any perspective other than their own.  And the destruction can span generations.

Unreasonable expectations

I know a person who, was deeply in love and wanted, eventually to marry his girlfriend.  He knew he was too young at 17 and that he had mountains to climb first and so they planned and prepared.  He was a committed, organised person and he knew exactly what he wanted his world to look like, but his parents decided to move to another country and were insistent that the young man abandon all his plans, and his fiancé, and go with them. 

The family argued.  The parents forbade their son to remain in the country where his life was laid out.  He had a place at university, a girlfriend he knew was a soul mate and even the opportunity of work once university was completed.  He didn’t want to give up his planned and hoped for future for the unknown, without his girlfriend, and in a new country.

The parents did everything in their power to make him go with them.  They told all their extended family not to give their son a place to stay.  They thought that without a home he would be forced to accompany them.

The son stood his ground; emancipated himself from his family. 

They didn’t listen – so they couldn’t understand

The parents didn’t take time to listen to why their son wanted to remain and just tried to bull-doze him into complying without ever explaining why.  The son, overwhelmed and distressed by his parents’ apparent disregard for what he wanted to do, walked away from his parents and his brothers and sisters.   Neither party stopped to really talk about what was in their hearts.  None of them truly listened and, as a result, there was little hope of moving forward with love and understanding.  They were each trying to impose their own desires on the other.

The parents eventually grew old and died.  The son too died, and now younger generations are left with a wound that they do not understand because they were not part of the original story. 

This rift started over 50 years ago has now reached down to affect the fourth generation.  This is a Ancestral Karmic Imbalance.  It takes different forms with each generation, but the original Energy is there – and it can be equally destructive. 

It can be righted by simply, and openly, by listening to the story – from every perspective – and then allowing the healing to take place.

Better still, when faced with a question, look at all sides and listen to all the stories. Be prepared to allow that your way may not be the best way or the only way.

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I Believe…

I was thinking about Queen Elizabeth II and the news of her passing, and how I had ‘met’ her when I was a teenager.  Actually, I hadn’t really met her, as in having a personal conversation or a handshake,  I’d just been one in a crowd of people when she came to our town to launch a boat, but I’d been in close enough proximity to think of it as having met her.

As I was thinking of her, I was reminded of a particular client I had seen last month.  My mind can make connections that probably seem rather weird to a lot of people… but, it’s how my mind works, and it jumped to an oracle card reading I’d done at our local UFO Festival.  It was a strange and difficult reading, and afterwards, he told me his story.  He’d been abducted by aliens. 

Now, what on earth could connect the late Queen of England and some guy in Australia who believed himself abducted by aliens?  The connection was actually a thought about how some meetings can just slip by and be forgotten, yet others can have a life-long profound effect on you and on your beliefs.

My belief that I’d met the Queen was an embellishment I’d chosen over 50 years ago because, at the time , I thought it gave me some status. Yes, it had some truth to it – I had been part of the crowd reasonably close around her, but it was not until a couple of days ago when I heard of her passing that I went “Hang on. Did I really meet her?” So I looked into that belief I discovered that it simply is no longer my truth.

The guy who believed he had been abducted had undergone a profound change because of his experience.  It became the pivotal point in his life.  Some people will scoff and think he’s off his rocker, but it is his belief and should be respected as just that.  I too have had a similar experience and firmly believe that the 7 or 8 hours that I lost one summer’s day in 1980 is very connected to a sighting of what I called a massive metal Toblerone that I saw parked in a field.  Some people will also think that’s nuts, and there are times when I do too, but it’s my belief that this happened although it didn’t have such a profound effect on me as that similar experience did for my client. 

From there, I started to think about other experiences that I have had that completely changed my life.  Many of them are of the ‘woo-woo’ variety, with the one which had the most profound effect being what I term my Initial Awakening Experience.  Some folk would think that I suffered a psychotic break, and that is entirely possible from one point of view.  Everything in my life around that time points to that possibility, but I believe that it was an intense spiritual experience that has driven my life forward in a way that can only be termed as positive.  I found a belief that is so strong it cannot be moved and that belief has driven me to learn how to understand what makes me tick.  It’s helped me overcome decades of severe pain, auto-immune disorders, and more dramas and trauma than should be allowed to fill any one life.  It is the driving force behind my life and I cannot see that changing.  Psychotic break or actual spiritual experience is totally irrelevant.  It has brought positive change into my life and for that I feel blessed to have experienced it.

We all hold beliefs and it’s entirely probable that most of our beliefs only matter to us.  Those beliefs may be spiritual in nature or based on life experiences.  They may have a profound effect on your life, or they may add to the traumas that you carry.  Whatever they are, they shape your world and it is a good idea to bring them out every now and then, dust them off and review them.  Are they beliefs that I still need to carry around with me, or are they no longer really true and can be released?  Do they affect me in a positive or a negative way?  Do they encourage me to grow as a human or do they hold me back?

When did you last take a good long look at your beliefs?  Not just the biggies but also the ones that have a limiting response in your life?  The “I’m afraid of moths/heights/dogs/my boss” type of beliefs.  Write yourself a list and then ask yourself why you hold these and is it time to change them. 

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Drifting…

A few days ago, I did some introspective work and came to the conclusion that I am in a waiting zone.  I have arrived at a point in my life that I have been seeking for a very long time.  A time where I can follow my own desire to begin some serious Spiritual study.  But what exactly do I want to study? What in particular do I want to deeply explore? I have no idea.

I’ve actually been in this drifting mode since the start of Covid when I began to move away from social media.  I used to spend hours on Face Book every day – with the International Koalition of Krones, my groups and pages and self-help courses and, as I pulled right back, I also berated myself for abandoning my media presence.  

It was time to sit back and have a good look into why I needed to build a media presence and discovered that constantly sharing things with the public – even in the belief that I was helping others, was nothing more than an addiction, and my Ego.  The work I want to do is for me. For my knowledge and growth – at least, initially. To do this work, I do not need to perform a song-and-dance routine for the world. I need quiet time, and this is my time of quietness.

What to study?  That is the big question.  In my life I have explored many things which have become passions, and almost all of which I have ended up teaching: ballet, fitness, writing, belly dancing, weaving – but I know that this time I need to dig into the knowledge desired by my soul.  I know that part of my soul journey is to gain knowledge and information that I can take forward into other incarnations and not necessarily knowledge that I will teach.  The imperative to begin that learning is strong, yet I am still in this waiting-zone.

Right now I am exploring Taoism – and finding it fascinating.  I am learning Tai Chi.  I’m also reading other great Teachers such as Neville Goddard, Manly P. Hall and Ram Dass but so far the topic that excites me and will guide me into the depth of knowledge I desire to gain, has eluded me. 

I did that introspective digging into Self I mentioned earlier, to gain greater clarity of where I currently am: physically, mentally and emotionally, then I entered into meditation to seek the spiritual depths to this knowledge.  In that meditation, my guides brought this forward.

Sometimes you have to drift with the winds of change.

Pushing against the storm is not productive.

Be aware of the currents.

This message tells me that drifting with the winds of change (and I am definitely within a process of change) is exactly what I need to do right now.  Drift, and I should not allow frustration at being without definite direction to grow, although to be honest, currently, that frustration is very mild, and I’m rather enjoying the drifting process.

This message was also interesting because it reminded me of a very important lesson I had learned 5 years ago when it was essential that I move to a new town and I really didn’t want to.  I fought hard not to go, yet it turned out the be one of the very best things in my life at that time.  Sometimes you need to accept that you might be ready to change the world, but the Universe has to get things ready first.

What am I going to study?  Not a clue yet.  I’ll just keep cruising until it socks me between the eyes and I feel that excitement, that Knowing, that this is where I am meant to dive deep. I know that will happen. At the right time. And in the meantime I am loving discovering the wisdom and knowledge of the ancient (and not so ancient) Teachers that is there for those who wish to discover it.

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Idols

If you over-esteem talented individuals,

People will become overly competitive.

Lao Tzu. Tao Te Ching. Chapter 3

These two lines , written millennia ago, are very applicable to our current society.  It appears that competition and striving to be ‘top dog’ is built into our psyche.  At one time it may even have been a contributor to the survival of our species – a way of finding those individuals who are worthy of leading the tribe.

We have a tendency, as humans, to put people we consider ‘talented’ on pedestals.  We raise them up with adoration – or even with our dislike or discomfort.  We talk about them.  We watch items on TV and social media about them.  We pour our Energy in their direction.

When I read these two lines, my thoughts went to how we idolise certain people within our society.  Actors, singers, politicians, religious leaders – and even those who just know how to say the right words we want to hear.

Some we raise high because they make us feel good for a short time, they help us escape our everyday lives.  Some we put up on a pedestal, not because they are particularly ‘talented’ but because they say the same things that we agree with, that we believe.  Some are lifted to these lofty heights because they tell us what to do and we don’t have to wade through all the confusing knowledge and information that challenges us and can make us feel uncomfortable.

And these people climb their mountains, always striving to reach greater heights.  But are those heights beneficial to our society?  Are these pedestals raised on a foundation of wisdom, knowledge and grace, or are they built upon our need of entertainment, titillation, and ego?

When we focus on these icons of society, we are ‘feeding’ them Energy.  Our Energy (attention / focus / time / money / adoration / hatred etc) flows in the direction of our attention.  It doesn’t matter one little bit if the idol is beneficial for you as an individual or for the entire Collective Consciousness of Humanity and beyond – or not.  It is our Energy (attention / focus etc) that allows them to climb to the top of their mountain.  They’d never get there if we didn’t give them that Energy. 

We need to take responsibility for those we pushed to the top of the mountain – their actions (their power to be beneficial or not) are due to our focus (Energy) being directed their way.

 – and never forget that there is always someone coming behind, eager to push the idols off their pedestals and climb up there themselves.  We need to be discerning in where we focus our Energy.  Or that competition could, just, get out of hand.

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Spider

When we see a spider – especially a big one – most of us will jump into freak-out mode.  There is something that just so ALIEN about the spider and all those legs… 

This spider is Florence. She came to live with me for a few weeks in 2019. She’s a Golden Orb Spider and is about the size of a medium saucepan.

I had a visit from Spider a few days ago.  A middle-sized Huntsman spider, about the size of the palm of my hand.  I was using the toilet at the time and she ran up the wall right next to me.  I can tell you, that was a tense moment!

Spider is about creation and right now this is something we, individually and collectively, really need to delve into.  Spider is reminding us that we are – each of us – a single thread in a massive weaving that forms all the Collective Consciousnesses of this planet and beyond.  This massive weaving is formed of the beliefs, the dreams, and the desires, of each part of the weaving.  It is formed from the words, thoughts and actions of people just like you.  You are creating this weaving, and as the Mistress of complicated, intricate weaving, Spider is the perfect animal ally to help us straighten out any knotted threads

Spider builds her web then she sits patiently, either on her web, or just off to the side where she can’t be easily seen, and she waits for her hard work to bring her a reward.  For her, it’s usually dinner, but what is the reward that you seek? 

Working with Spider Energy requires that you look deep into your Self and look at the Reward you most desire.  Look into the dark and scary places, the complicated and knotty places; and the bright and sparkly places and the places of abundance.  Look at what you believe about yourself, about the world around you and at the entire global society that you are a part of.  Look at things you want to achieve, ideas you want to bring to life, and ask yourself – especially if you have held onto these things for a long time yet not done anything about them – are these the rewards I want for the lifetime I am living here?  Do I want something different from my life?  Do I have beliefs that I have been hanging on to – on any subject – even when they appear to be going nowhere?  What do I want to create that will be how I am remembered when my time here is past?

Spider knows how to sit in silence.  How to be patient and give herself time to achieve her goals.  She understands that nothing is achieved if the hard work is not done first. 

She weaves with a tiny, thin, gossamer thread that she makes herself from her body. And she understands intuitively what is the right way to weave her threads together.   She knows that if she takes the right action steps, she can build her web into a solid and strong structure that will allow her to reap her reward.

We humans, also weave with a tiny, thin, gossamer thread of Belief, that we make, not with our bodies, but with our minds.  It is our Beliefs that build the structures we depend upon.  We need to know that the Beliefs are not out-dated, worn away by mis-use or lack of care or attention – because if they are, we will never build our society into a strong and solid structure that will allow us to reap our rewards.

Review what you have done so far and what you believe about YOU and the things you want to achieve.  Look deeply, and see what is the reward you seek in every interaction you have.  Is it Recognition, Praise, Acknowledgement?  Is it to know that you have made a difference?

Whatever it is – Create the life you want to live, but never forget that you must do the work in order to reap the reward.

Focus

How can we justify being focused on spiritual and philosophical pursuits when there is so much pain and suffering in the world?

This is a question asked by my Teacher, Essence Ka tha’ras.

I love her questions. They usually come when I’ve just got up in the morning and am still stumbling around trying to sort out my first cup of coffee. I swear, I am not human until after two cups of coffee, so when Essence greets me with questions such as this, it can be a bit of a shock to the system! This question arrived at a more civilised time, so I was able to crank up the brain cells….

This is the lesson I learned when I had my first mental breakdown in the early 1980’s  Life had always been stressful; I was a young mum who was also suffering from PTSD although it was another 20 years before that was diagnosed.  My husband watched the BBC News all day, and the only topic of conversation on the TV station was the various wars, famine, murders, IRA, Cold War and all the other terrors of that era.  It was too much.

At that time there was really only two methods of treating a breakdown – hospitalisation with electric-shock therapy or some really vicious drugs.  Either way, I would not be in a position to look after my baby and seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist was only for rich folk.  I was incredibly lucky in that my doctor was very forward thinking; and he was a neighbour.  What actually happened was that for about a year, he gave up his lunch time for an off-the-books appointment with me.  What he taught me, not only saved my sanity, but probably my life.

He asked me if I was going to physically do something about the world problems that were causing me such distress.  Was I planning to travel to Cambodia to assist the people who were struggling after surviving the Pol Pot regime?  Was I going to actually take food to the places around the world where children were starving?  Could I, personally, do anything about the IRA presence in my home town?

My answer was no.  I had a baby and a family to look after, and I could barely find the energy to leave my own house.

This doctor was the first person to teach me Compassion with Detachment, although he didn’t use those words.  In more recent years, Essence reminded me of this – during the time I was recovering from my 2nd breakdown – and my Dark Night Of The Soul.

He made a recommendation.  He suggested that I think about the world 150 years ago.  It would have been the 1830’s and most people had no idea what was happening in the next village, and certainly no knowledge of what was happening on the other side of the world.  My choice was to actually leave everything I knew and loved and go DO something – take Physical Action Steps – to rectify the world problems as I saw them, or I could focus on my local area, physically and emotionally, where I COULD, actually, do something to help.

This was the place I dwelled for the next 40 years – until Covid. Many people, me included at times, would have considered my choice as hiding my head in the sand. Many would think me very ignorant because I had no idea what was going on in the world. I had no idea who was Prime Minister or even which political party was holding sway. My quiet, small, voice was not going to make a difference, so my worrying myself sick over these things would only result in my being physically, emotionally and mentally even more hurt.

Thich Nhat Hanh summed it up beautifully

I am aware of what is going on in the world, but if I allow it within me, I will become sick.  If I am sick I am of no assistance to others.

Thich Nhat Hanh

What I now know is that my choice was an Energy choice.  I could devote a whole heap of Energy into fields where I had no ability to make a difference – and in the course of that, I would drain myself of any ability to do anything helpful in any arena.  Or I could focus my Energy on where I COULD make a difference.  In my case, it was my local community and my own physical and mental health.

At that time, I was in my Dark Night of the Soul.  Now, today, the entire Collective Consciousness of Humanity is in its Dark Night of the Soul– and we are heading towards a peak in those Energies.

I am now realistic – and, hopefully, wiser.  There are things I can do, and things I can’t.  I, as an individual cannot fix the world any more now than I could in the 1980’s.  But I can work in my local community, I can focus on my spiritual, physical and mental health.  I can, as an individual, stand in the Energy of being aware, of bearing witness, of doing what I AM able to do, where I am able to do it.  I choose not to make lots of public noise on social media, not because I think it’s wrong to make a noise, but because it’s simply not something – at this point in time – that I, as an individual, can do much about. 

We have to grow, we have to come together and we have to be absolutely sure of our Collective way forward.  Right now we are none of those things. 

Right now we are in a cycle that has been repeated for as long as humans hold memory. 

Is this going to be the last time we pass through this cycle?  I don’t know – but I doubt it.

So where do you want to focus your Energy?

Pelican

Pelican came calling a couple of years ago with information for humanity as a whole – and for us as individual aspects of that Collective.  We should be aware that when Pelican comes into our lives, we really need to have a good look at what should be reviewed in our personal life, and in our opinions about what is happening in the world around us. 

Pelican floats along, looking as if it is effortless, but under the water she is working.  Paddling.  It’s not a frantic work.  She looks confident and serene.  When she spots a fish she simply tips in her bill and scoops it up.   In our human world that means working in the NOW for what you want the future to look like, for the abundance you know should be available for everyone, for the Love and Serenity of a peaceful society; but storms do sometimes happen and if you hit those darker patches of water, you can get sucked in, becoming emotionally attached to the darkness that can be projected.  To get out of those darker waters, you need to work hard.   And you need the assistance of family.

Pelican encourages us to go deep into Self.  Often, by looking deeply at what you believe is happening in your world, and at your physical, emotional and spiritual health, you will most likely find that something in your life is out of whack; off kilter.  Something has a sense of ‘wrongness’ about it.

Pelican encourages us to observe with intent, and with patience, so that we can discover a deeper understanding of Self and a knowledge of where balance is needed.  To do this, explore your current life, where you stand in your beliefs, and feel into where in your body – which chakras – the emotions reside.  By being aware this way, you can work out what needs to be reviewed and probably in what manner.  For example, if something you do every day causes you pain in your throat, you can be pretty sure that you need to look deeper.   It may be that something about that task is uncomfortable, but you feel you can’t talk about it. Be aware that this work is not just for you as an individual, although that’s very important, but also for you as an integral part of the Collective Consciousness of Humanity.

Remember – the past is in the past and cannot be changed.  The way to travel forward is together, as family, and we should remember that to maintain unity within family, we need Trust, Dependability, Loyalty, Generosity, Humility and, occasionally, Sacrifice. 

The future you envisage when you look around you, can be achieved for the benefit of all with co-operation and an understanding that we can’t travel alone.  We need a support system.  We need family.

Pelican is about family.  The three that visited me were two adults and a youngster.  Pelican is about social responsibility, teamwork, generosity, friendliness.  With your family around you – and that can be your physical or your spiritual family – there is no need to sacrifice yourself in always helping others.  In always being the one to step up and sort things out.  Allow others to help you out.  To make things easier. 

I had three Pelicans visit with this message.  The Metatronic Numerology I AM Keyword Phrase for the number 3 is: I AM Joyful Creation.

We need to be looking towards creating the future we want with Joy in our hearts.  At the moment there are many people – Starseeds/Lightworkers included – who seem to have forgotten this.  The basic Law of Attraction.  The Energy you put out is what you will get back.  If you focus on the darker side of what is happening in the world, the darker energy is what will be there in abundance.  I’m talking about the fear, the anger, the distrust and confusion.  Even if your intention is good, that focus provides energy to the darker aspect. 

Learn to flip the narrative.  Seek the good.  Create the Joy.   Don’t feed the darkness.   Seek the Balance in doing the work you feel you need to do, but don’t put so much of your Energy into projects that suck you dry.  If the work you are doing is not joyously creative – look at how you can make it so.  And if it cannot be flipped then have a good look at where that heavy Energy is pointing.

When Pelican chooses to fly, she simply releases any fish in her bill and with a bit of a run, up she goes. There is something serene and magical about Pelican skimming over the water and landing with barely a splash to float, seemingly unworried about anything.  We need to emulate her by releasing what weighs us down.

Learn to accept the help of family and other members of your society.  Learn to relax – taking a step back helps you to see the bigger picture.  Release your Ego – this can often be the weight that stops you from working harmoniously with others.  And stops you from flying.

Think about Pelican, when you need to understand when you can safely float along and when you need to review what is holding you down. Especially, when you want to fly!

The Power of Manifestation

Several years ago, I heard about the power of manifestation… 

At the time I’d set up a pretty full-on gym in the garage.  I’m an ex-fitness fanatic and was working hard to recover after illness.  I’d hop on the treadmill and as I was walking, I’d think about the things that could make my life perfect. 

I never did fall for the bunkum of manifesting a new car, money in the bank, an over-seas holiday etc. – there are so many things wrong with that train of thought – but it did get me thinking about how I would like my life to look in the future.  I knew, even in those early days of my spiritual journey, that you can wish and pray and talk all you want, but if you are not prepared to put in the hard-yakka, nothing is going to materialise out of thin air.  I knew that if I wanted these things in my life, I had to do my fair share of the manifesting.  Source, God, Spirit (whatever name you prefer) was not going to just drop stuff into my lap because I really, really, really want it!

I ended up with a fairly short list, and I walked for hours on that treadmill as I spoke that list out loud.  It was like chanting.  The words timed to the rhythm of the steps I took.  I had to walk miles each session because I also felt the need to explain exactly why each point was important; how I, specifically, wanted each thing to look; why I didn’t want too much of each good thing – da da da…. 

Moving forward…. 

About a month or so ago, I realised that something was really weird.  I was in a very strange state of mind and it took me a while to work it out.  I am happy. 

I can honestly say that I can count on one hand the times I have felt this happy.  The birth of my daughter over 40 years ago.  The birth of my eldest grandchild 18 years ago.  Very, very few other times.  It took me a while to work out why, but almost all of those things I wanted in my life as I walked on that treadmill, are here.  The reality isn’t how I envisaged things to turn out, but they are the reality I now live in.  And it is good.

A good example:  At the time, many people told me that if I was going to ask for money in my manifestation hopes, ask for a lot.  Don’t be stingy.  Go for the Big Bucks!  Me?  That didn’t sit comfortably.  I just wanted enough so that I could pay my bills and have a little left over so I could save up for small luxuries.  What came about is that I am now an Aged Pensioner.  I have a regular income of about half of the breadline wage and which has very little room for fluff – but, my bills are paid, I share a wonderful house on the water (another of my desires) at (almost unbelievable in today’s world) a rent I can afford. 

I sought good health, as I walked that treadmill.  Good health is a very relative thing.  If I look at my point of view from 25 years ago when I was at the top of my game, I’m a wreak!  If I look at my health from the point of view of my doctor telling my that the periods of paralysis are going to get worse and I won’t ever be pain free so I should start to use a wheelchair, my current health is fantastic!  It’s just a matter of how you look at things in your life.

These things that have brought about a fulfillment in my life, and this strange and wonderful feeling of contentment and happiness, didn’t come about because of the chanting as I walked that treadmill, they came about because I put in the hard work.  They came about because I did my damn best to look for the bling in every dark corner – and I have been well-challenged in that arena – and not allowed myself to wallow (at least not for long) in despair.

One of the things I asked for was time to look after me, to do the things I want to do and not be at everyone’s beck and call.  I’m one of those people who has a very strong need to help others – and it’s caused me no end of problems because it’s often been at the expense of having time to look after me.    The isolation periods of the last couple of years has been a blessing in disguise for me as it highlighted a need to withdraw from the addiction of social media, to pull back from trying to set up classes and workshops aimed at helping others deal with their anxiety, fear etc.  It was time to STOP.  So I did.  And there it was – time to do the work on ME.

On this Spiritual path I have done the hard work that has brought me to this point in my growth.  I am currently in the midst of a shift where I can choose to step up and take that work further.  Where I can study, dig even deeper into the Energies of this beautiful world we call home.  Or I can sit back and feel good about where I have arrived.  A place of reasonable comfort with enough funds to pay my bills – and that feeling of happiness!

I understand the value of pushing things a bit further.  Dramas that many of us face can definitely push you out of your comfort zone during the early stages of this life-journey, and maybe, as I travel further, my comfort zone will be rocked a few more times.  Somehow, I don’t believe that the drama of my life up to now will continue at that intensity.  I am aware that as drama appears, I have a choice.  It is my reaction that causes the problems.  Hopefully I’ve learned enough that I can make the wise choices.

Do I believe in the power of manifestation?  You betcha I do.  But not at the level of ask / pray / focus hard enough and it will materialise like magic.  No.  You have to do the hard work.  The work on Self – physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and the practical work of having a goal to aim for – and going after it.  You have to decide what is realistic and what isn’t.  It’s the adult version of the mother telling the child that ‘Just because you want it, it doesn’t mean you can have it!”

Symphony of Sorrowful Songs

I saw a post on Facebook asking people “what kept you alive when nothing seem able to save you”.  That post triggered a memory of me, in my office, not long after my husband had passed on, sitting at the computer, headphones on and the volume really loud so that I didn’t have to listen to, or deal with, any of the crap going on around me. 

Symphony of Sorrowful Songs by Gorecki was one of only two things that kept me on this earth when my husband died.  It starts so softly and gently that you don’t really hear anything for the first 2 minutes, and then it just builds and builds.

I’ve you’ve not listened to this, the title may be enough to make you wonder why, when you are feeling at the absolute bottom of the dung hill would you want to wallow in deep, dark music?  Those who turn to music to help them get through the hard times will understand – the music you listen to can be a reflection of the emotions you have rolling through you when are either unable to fully express those emotions, or have pushed them down so deep that you can’t express them.  It’s like doing mirror work; delving deep knowing that once you hit rock bottom, the only way is up. 

When you find that one track and you keep playing it over and over again, you may start to recognise the beauty and grace in the flow of the melody and you find that even though the music almost always brings tears, they are cleansing.  This was my ‘bling’ in one of the dark times of my life.  I literally wallowed in this music for several months.  It became like a drug, and without it I could not exist.  It seemed to be the only thing around me that reflected back the emotions I tried to hide from the world and that often threatened to drown me.

Symphony of Sorrowful songs by Gorecki is like a sunrise over the ocean.  Living in the darkness is not comfortable.  It can be scary, especially when the future is unknown, but like the sunrise, this music guides you through your personal dark nights and shows you a promise of peace.

Sunrise from my garden – Auri’An

As you listen, there is the quiet expectation of the time before the first hint of light becomes visible.  The darkest place.  It’s quiet.  So quiet and deep that you barely register the sound, but bit by bit like the pre-dawn glow of the sunrise, the music starts to infiltrate, it starts to make itself known to your awareness.

It’s heavy, dark, and it feels like a very familiar reflection of the darkness and struggle in your own heart.  But like that sunrise, it keeps coming on in waves that bring the inevitable lifting of the darkness.  As the waves of music swell, for a moment you recognise the emotion that you hold under tight control, so that to others, you show not the sadness that is your constant companion, but rather your hard-won strength, and that even though you may be struggling right now, you will survive this.   It is a recognition of how you get through your day – the heaviness pushed to the background and overlaid with something lighter that allows you to do what you need to do in order to simply exist. 

And still this music climbs, bringing the Energy from your Root Chakra, through Sacral, Solar Plexus and coming up to your Heart Chakra, bringing the promise of eventual Peace.  Your heart rate starts to slow and, as with the sound of the ocean waves, you allow the music to wash over you, relaxing physical tension, washing away the false-front you hold like a shield against the world, and allowing a release of emotion.

Then the sun peaks over the horizon – a moment of stillness, before the Soprano voice joins in and so perfectly expresses what is in your heart, building and building until you feel almost overwhelmed.  The waves of Energy keep climbing and you recognise the cycles that occur in life: the humdrum repetitions that sometimes provide a lifeline; the almost-too intense times when you simply don’t know what to do and you just exist through the tempest; the quieter times where you can pause and take a breath.  These cycles?  They are Life.    The sun is risen.

In writing this, I sat and listened to this music for the first time in years.  Those life cycles have moved on and although there has been much drama, pain and loss, there has also been much joy and love and laughter.  Life has been lived.  I still feel the sunrise in this music and as it builds and grows it takes me to different heights.  I have a different starting-point – I’m no longer in the well of despair and am not listening from the dark depths of grief.  I still feel it in my Heart Chakra, but this is where it starts, not where it grows to.  That promise of peace has been realised and I am now feeling deeper into the emotion of the composer.  I don’t know his story, but this piece was written from the heart.  And it is beautiful.

This is a link to this album. I’d love to hear your thoughts…..

Cycles and Bridges

WordPress (the host for this site) has raised a challenge for bloggists to incorporate the theme of ‘bridge’ into their work.  @WordPrompt  Here are my thoughts….

When you think of a bridge, most people reading this would think of a structure that gets you over an obstacle such as a river, a train-track or a road.  Me?  I think in terms of Energy – the Energy of our planet and the Collective Consciousness of Humanity.  Specifically, I am thinking of where the Collective is currently standing on that bridge between worlds.  We are at the start of the bridge, right at the beginning of our journey from our Past and into our Future, and every step forward is a new step into whichever future we are choosing.  For those who are wondering what the scenery is like on the other side – who knows?  But we are actually in the process of choosing the future of humanity right now.  That’s what all this upheaval is about.  There are plenty of other people who can go into the whys and wherefores and the politics of totalitarianism and democracy, finance, control and all the other variables that we are feeling our way through – I’ve had my head in the sand for over 40 years and am so not qualified to make a judgement.

But I do know one thing – what we are doing is deciding what the future will look like for our children, and their children.  Every choice and action we take, lays down the groundwork for the future of every Being on this planet, now and for the inconceivably long future.  Are we truly going to be able to bring about a Golden Age of love and respect in a world free of greed?  Or does it appear to you that we are heading right into the dystopian worlds portrayed by the movies we watch?

We’ve had it reasonably cushy in the ‘western’ world for a few decades and we have certain expectations of living which is probably one of the reasons that makes something like a pandemic and a war that will, quite likely, touch us personally in some way, seem so traumatic – even if it’s only in the cost of fuel or the lack of toilet paper.  Yet this era that we are moving into, one of rising costs, civil unrest, pestilence, war, death and destruction, is nothing new.  It is exactly the way the world, or rather, humans, have operated since forever. 

A few days ago, I was talking with my friend and teacher, Essence Ka tha’ras, and we had one of those amazing conversations where we really dug deep into a topic.  I love these conversations.  Essence has a way of ‘tripping’ my mind into making connections I suspect I would never have otherwise made – and once made, understood and agreed that these thoughts hold a lot of Truth, they tend to stick around.  This conversation was about cycles.  Cycles of life of the individual, of the Collective, of our society as a whole.  We discussed the cycles of our planet, our Galaxy, even our Universe.  We went deep.

The result is that we saw that all the things that are happening in the world is not something that is unusual.  What is unusual is that we have had a period before this current time where we developed a different understanding of what is considered normal life.   We got used to easy living; of having plenty; of there being a surplus.  Of expecting, mainly, to die of old age.  We have given a high value to human Life.  But, if you look back through known history, there has always been war and pestilence.  It’s a horrible thought, and something I’d prefer not to think about, but these things are normal for our race. 

Things move in cycles.  We know this.  Most of us only have to look at our own lives to see the repeating patterns.  We work at breaking free of those patterns, of transmuting our darker threads into bright lights.  But what if we are not so special after all, what if we are simply cogs in a wheel of the same-old-same-old cycles going around and around?  What if that dystopian future is part of the pattern?  Think about it. 

Think of the wars in our own living memory and just beyond: WW1 and WW2; Vietnam, Korea, the Boer War, the Crimea, Afghanistan, Bosnia, Iraq, Palestine, Africa….   The list is never-ending.  Now think of ‘pestilences’ – Covid is not so bad compared to smallpox, aids, mumps, polio, the Spanish flu and the one I personally survived – bird flu.  That one had a 68% mortality rate.  As I said – Covid is small-fry next to some of these. 

Expand again and think of all the wars and conflicts you read about in school, that you watch movies about.  Think about the Empires that have risen up and have fallen – Rome, Greece, Mongolia, China, Egypt.  Then go back further into racial memory – Atlantis, Lemuria….  Who knows if there were any civilisations before then?  I don’t, but I would not be surprised to discover that these too were simply part of the cycles of life on this planet.

There is no denying that we are a violent race and right now it’s obvious that in this very uncomfortable time in our history, we are experiencing the long drawn-out death of one ‘empire’ and on the other side of that bridge is another empire waiting to be birthed.

Currently this next ‘Empire’ looks to be anything but comfortable.  It may be that, like our racial memories tell us, not a whole lot of us will survive this transition.  We may have been well-trained to obey and find that life, where everything is controlled, is something that suits us well; we may have to drop a lot further down the spiral before we stand and say, “I don’t want my children’s future to look like this”.

Currently our galaxy is at a point of change in the Precession, and we do have the opportunity to choose which path we will take into the future.  Which bridge to cross, and the potential problem here is that whichever way the Collective chooses, we are going to be there for the next part of the Precession – somewhere around 13,000 years.  We need to choose well. 

The cycle of birth, growth, decay and death is normal.  It’s normal for individuals, Empires, planets and beyond.  What is happening is nothing new.

As Essence summed it up: 

“There’s nothing wrong.  There’s nothing to fix.  This is just the Tao”.

Essence Ka tha’ras

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