I’ve always been, in many ways, a ‘physical’ person. As a child it was ballet, as an adult I became an elite athlete. That young person lived in a fantasy world of stage lights and dreams; the adult ran up mountains – just because.
The physical me was my way of hiding from the world. As a dancer, I could live in any role I chose, be recognised and applauded; as an athlete I could challenge my body in a way that I did not know how to challenge the world around me. Always, I was hiding from my true self.
In 1997, a lifetime of stress caught up with me and I became physically ill. In pain so severe I was told I would need to use a wheelchair – but that was not a life I could envisage. It was not a life where I could use my body to emotionally escape. I began the work needed to change my physical world of pain, into something far more functional.
In 2015 I was in a good place. Physically active despite still being in pain, life was good, but I still carried the emotional weight of my life. Then I found the person who was to become my Spiritual Teacher, mentor and friend – Essence Ka tha’ras. She has taught me to understand from an Energetic viewpoint, the story of my life. She taught me how to re-write that story. It’s a journey I am still on, and right now, as I write this, I am at another crux point.
One of the things Essence teaches is that you cannot separate the physical from the spiritual, and I have grown to fully embrace that Truth. I recently turned 67 years of age and the abuses of a physical past are doing their level best to catch up and remind me of each and every ache and pain. Then, an accident 4 years ago, meant my physical mobility decreased again, resulting in my questioning my future. I can choose to live comfortably, and happily as a fat, un-fit, older woman and, perhaps, pass from this life in another 10-15 years, or I can step up the work to change that, and potentially have many more years to explore this Universe – this beautiful Reality that holds so much knowledge, and mystery.
I spoke in my last blog about making a commitment to Self, and when you get right down to it, I am looking at making a “Do-or-Die” commitment. My Teacher reminded me this morning of my deep-felt need to study; that I have expressed a desire, and commenced the work, to dig deeper into that world of Energy, Frequency, Vibration. I want to learn from the Masters and use that knowledge to colour my world and the world around me – and to do this I need to have all my tools available to me – my physicality as well as emotional, mental and spiritual aspects.
And as I write this, it appears that I have made that commitment, that Vow to Self. Of course, I’m totally knackered after spending just 10 minutes on the treadmill, followed by a few ballet exercises, stretching, Tai Chi and some balance work.
Right now it feels good, but I do wonder how hard it is going to be to get out of bed tomorrow!
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All my life, for as long as I can remember, I have been overwhelmed. For most of my life I believed it was because of my upbringing which was in a time when children could be seen, but most definitely were not to be heard. It was confusing. Adults and other children around me, made me feel befuddled. They made me fearful; they over-powered me with their very presence, with the noise that they made. They were too active – too strong and I didn’t understand that it wasn’t their physical voice, or activity, or muscular strength that overpowered me – it was far stranger than that. Some people could over-power me simply by looking at me and make me devolve into tear-filled mess.
The noise that humans make hurts me. Even now – in certain situations. Not physically, it’s more of a mental disturbance. It’s hard to describe, and as a child I had no means of reference to say that this pain which hurt my body and this pain which hurt my soul were any different. I had no guidance to know that it wasn’t always physical noise that hurt. Now I know that it is the chaotic, jumbled Energy noise that so many people put out, that can hurt so much.
Like many others, I had no-one to guide me, so I learnt avoidance. I already knew how to disappear into the walls so that I couldn’t be seen but I also learned how to disappear into story books, how to travel to different realms. My own way to describe it was to “go visit the Elephants”. Basically I would leave my body and go where I felt safe. On the open savannah with the elephants. I would walk in their footsteps. I have a guide, Emily, who is a big, blue, matriachal elephant. I even have a painting of her on my wall. She makes me feel safe.
I learned how not to be there even when my physical body was. It was the only way I had at that time to control my environment. When I got a bit older, I used food to control my environment. I was anorexic.
That tentative control was violently ripped from me one day when I was caught up in riots. Now I understand that it wasn’t just the physical noise and violence of those riots, but the Energy of anger, fear, death; of dominance, destruction and hatred. That Energy whirled around in a maelstrom of violence that I couldn’t handle. For over 20 years after that event, I lived in fear of everything outside my front door. I had zero control of everything that happened outside my front door. It took that long for me to be diagnosed with PTSD.
Time moved on, I learned how to deal with the panic attacks that happened every day and especially whenever I went into a place where there were lots of people. My need to escape the pain I felt was so great that I would become violent. I’ve been thrown out of more that one McDonalds for going to thump someone who was simply talking loudly!
Time moved on, I learned coping strategies and life continued – and was even fulfilling at times. Then, totally out of the blue, in the midst of a time when other dramas were playing out, I was accused of something I hadn’t done, something I hadn’t even been involved with and I was threatened with jail time. My world was already very delicately poised, but with this threat it totally collapsed. This was in August 2014.
In October 2014, I had what I call my Initial Spiritual Awakening Experience. And in June the following year Essence Ka tha’ras came into my life. There have been many times when I have stated that she saved my sanity and I am deadly serious about that. Finally someone was able to explain to me what was happening.
At 60 years of age I found out about Empathy. Of course I knew about empathy as opposed to sympathy, but I didn’t know that empathy could also be an amalgam of our senses; a deeper sense. A response to the energies swirling about in the world around us. I didn’t know that people are empathic in this way of sensing the energies around them. I found out that I am Empathic – and that every other human on this planet has that ability to some degree or other. If they are open to it – it’s a matter of sensitivity. Most importantly, I learned that it overwhelms when you are not in control. And I, most definitely, was not in control. I finally discovered that all this pain and noise and overwhelm is because I am very sensitive to the energy of what is around me.
Essence taught me that I can learn to take control.
That has probably been the most important part of my journey through this lifetime. You really can’t learn to control how you perceive and receive the energy around you, until you learn about how Energy works and how to work with Energy. You can’t just flick a switch – you have to learn about it.
The very first thing I needed to learn was how to stop seeing all this Energetic swirling as something to be feared. Essence taught me that if I could learn to take control, instead of it controlling me, that this knowledge of the energy of the world around me could become my greatest gift for helping others. I am driven to help others; and this could be an amazing tool but I had to change my mindset, my beliefs. I’d had 60 years of fear and hiding from something that could be my greatest asset – but it wasn’t something that was going to be learned overnight.
Essence got the ball rolling, but eventually my guides directed me to attend a weekly meditation circle in the town where I lived. The people there were lovely. Committed, helpful, caring – but the Energies they moved in were already too low a frequency for me to feel comfortable in and I wasn’t sufficiently experienced to be able to move through different frequencies without being affected. I know that sounds like Ego – Hey, my frequency is higher than yours – but that is very definitely not the case. It was simply that they worked in fields that operated in different frequencies than those I was starting to work in. I went there to learn skills I needed – primarily I needed to learn to trust what I Know. To trust the Energy I was able to read. How did I do this, I learned the art of psychometry.
I was pretty hopeless with reading Energy off personal items such as jewellery, they feel inert to me, but my teacher would put a photograph in an envelope or face-down on the table and I would hover my hand over it, I wouldn’t touch it and I would attempt to ‘read’ the Energy I felt about whatever was in that photo that I couldn’t see. I had to push myself out of my comfort zone and learn to say what came into my Knowing without doubting and second-guessing it. Sometimes the things students would come out with when we did these exercises were hilarious or even ridiculous, but no-one ever made anyone else feel stupid. We were all just having a go and I learned to relax and say whatever popped into my mind. And surprisingly that information was uncannily accurate.
It was a good class. Fun. Great people. And every single week for about 18 months, I left that class, got home and vomited. Every single week after attending that class, I would spend hours throwing up.
Now, to be fair, I do have a number of food intolerances and vomiting isn’t really unusual for me when I eat certain natural food chemicals and so, week after week I thought it was something I was eating. Until I was invited to visit the local Spiritual Church.
I went into that church and immediately felt that really familiar draining of my Energy that I describe as ‘pain’. This was a place of very low frequency and I was in a position of starting to be able to recognise and understand it. When I had to rush out of that church in order to vomit, I knew exactly why I had been throwing up for the previous 18 months. However lovely the people were in the class I had been attending, the Energy they were working in was too low for the frequencies I was learning to move within and when I mentioned this with my psychometry teacher, she confirmed that she too had recognised that I would soon be leaving to follow my own path. This is a good way of understanding that you really can’t separate the physical from the spiritual.
During most of this time, I had lived in an apartment building with the most horrible, swirling, chaotic energy. Next door was an even bigger apartment building that held energies that were even more intense. It came to a point, when I had to move out. I was the fourth successive manager of that building to have had a mental breakdown. That’s how bad the Energy was there. I amicably separated from my husband and moved to a town several hours away, but on the 1st January 2018 I found myself back in that building after getting a call for help in running the resort.
Despite already having several years of learning to recognise and understand how to read the Energy and, at a basic level, how to work with it, I found myself just 8 days later, on the beach seeking a passive way to leave this life. That’s how badly I was being affected by that energy of those buildings in just 8 short days. I went into meditation and beseeched the Universe to either take me or to show me how to bring balance into my life.
Balance is what I got. I fell off the sea wall. I had to be rescued by the fire service; had two stays in hospital and 4 1/2 hours of surgery pinning my leg back together. When I came out of hospital I had to go back to that place of swirling, painful energy which had only become worse. I had to spend 9 weeks in bed with my leg stuck in the air. And I had to recognise that Energy and not allow it to take control of me once again. I had to learn to choose how I worked with it.
During those 9 weeks I was severely tested. I don’t need to go into the details, but it was bad; it was hard. And it was here that I came to understand that me being in control of the way I perceive and work with the energies around me, or of allowing these energies to control me as they had whilst I was younger was all about choice. Choice and discernment. I had the ability to choose how I saw, felt and reacted to the energies around me and in order to make that choice I had to be able to discern what was beneficial and what was not. And believe me, not only then but in the three years since that accident, I have been severely challenged.
Does this mean that I am now fully in control of my Empathic abilities. Nope. I think I will be learning and growing in this area for a long time yet. What has happened is that I am learning to use that energy in the way that Essence told me I would be able to do. I now view this ability as the true gift it is. I use it to see my world as it is and not so much as it is presented. I use it when I have a client – either for Reiki or drum healing or as a counsellor. I use it within meditation for the benefit of the entire collective – and it’s impossible not to work with energy when working with Essence.
One of the first things she taught me is that Everything is Energy, Frequency, Vibration. It took me a while to get a really good handle on understanding that – but I think I’m pretty much getting there!
Thank you. Thank you for listening. I hope the sharing of my journey helps you to better understand your journey and not to be overwhelmed by the fears of uncontrolled empathy.
Gy’ Shé em Flip the heaviness and Shine your Bling
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The International Koalition of Krones (IKoK) is an international group of Spiritually Awakened Wise Women whose goal is to assist the Collective in it’s continued Spiritual Awakening & Consciousness Expansion Journey during this time on Earth referred to as “The Great Awakening”
The Founder of the IKoK, Essence Ka tha’ras, is, amongst many other things, a Master Metatronic Numerologist. If you wish to explore her work, and the work of the IKoK, there are links below.
There are also You Tube and Soundcloud links to the full IKoK Chat if you wish to know more about the work we do.