Tag: Emotion

Broken Families

Things happen in life that are wrong.  Families argue, drift apart or explode in arguments and drama.  It doesn’t matter the reason – the story. What matters is that unless people can come together and talk openly and honestly, the story will not change.  At least, not for the better.

The stories we tell ourselves about our lives and our interactions with other people are simply our perspective, and our perspective will be unbalanced if we don’t have the other side of the story.  The same tale told from another person’s perspective is very likely to be different.  Families are frequently destroyed because people cannot or will not see any perspective other than their own.  And the destruction can span generations.

Unreasonable expectations

I know a person who, was deeply in love and wanted, eventually to marry his girlfriend.  He knew he was too young at 17 and that he had mountains to climb first and so they planned and prepared.  He was a committed, organised person and he knew exactly what he wanted his world to look like, but his parents decided to move to another country and were insistent that the young man abandon all his plans, and his fiancé, and go with them. 

The family argued.  The parents forbade their son to remain in the country where his life was laid out.  He had a place at university, a girlfriend he knew was a soul mate and even the opportunity of work once university was completed.  He didn’t want to give up his planned and hoped for future for the unknown, without his girlfriend, and in a new country.

The parents did everything in their power to make him go with them.  They told all their extended family not to give their son a place to stay.  They thought that without a home he would be forced to accompany them.

The son stood his ground; emancipated himself from his family. 

They didn’t listen – so they couldn’t understand

The parents didn’t take time to listen to why their son wanted to remain and just tried to bull-doze him into complying without ever explaining why.  The son, overwhelmed and distressed by his parents’ apparent disregard for what he wanted to do, walked away from his parents and his brothers and sisters.   Neither party stopped to really talk about what was in their hearts.  None of them truly listened and, as a result, there was little hope of moving forward with love and understanding.  They were each trying to impose their own desires on the other.

The parents eventually grew old and died.  The son too died, and now younger generations are left with a wound that they do not understand because they were not part of the original story. 

This rift started over 50 years ago has now reached down to affect the fourth generation.  This is a Ancestral Karmic Imbalance.  It takes different forms with each generation, but the original Energy is there – and it can be equally destructive. 

It can be righted by simply, and openly, by listening to the story – from every perspective – and then allowing the healing to take place.

Better still, when faced with a question, look at all sides and listen to all the stories. Be prepared to allow that your way may not be the best way or the only way.

Knackered!

I’ve always been, in many ways, a ‘physical’ person.  As a child it was ballet, as an adult I became an elite athlete.  That young person lived in a fantasy world of stage lights and dreams; the adult ran up mountains – just because.

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

The physical me was my way of hiding from the world.  As a dancer, I could live in any role I chose, be recognised and applauded; as an athlete I could challenge my body in a way that I did not know how to challenge the world around me.  Always, I was hiding from my true self.

In 1997, a lifetime of stress caught up with me and I became physically ill.  In pain so severe I was told I would need to use a wheelchair – but that was not a life I could envisage.  It was not a life where I could use my body to emotionally escape.  I began the work needed to change my physical world of pain, into something far more functional.

In 2015 I was in a good place.  Physically active despite still being in pain, life was good, but I still carried the emotional weight of my life.  Then I found the person who was to become my Spiritual Teacher, mentor and friend – Essence Ka tha’ras.  She has taught me to understand from an Energetic viewpoint, the story of my life.  She taught me how to re-write that story.  It’s a journey I am still on, and right now, as I write this, I am at another crux point.

One of the things Essence teaches is that you cannot separate the physical from the spiritual, and I have grown to fully embrace that Truth.  I recently turned 67 years of age and the abuses of a physical past are doing their level best to catch up and remind me of each and every ache and pain. Then, an accident 4 years ago, meant my physical mobility decreased again, resulting in my questioning my future.  I can choose to live comfortably, and happily as a fat, un-fit, older woman and, perhaps, pass from this life in another 10-15 years, or I can step up the work to change that, and potentially have many more years to explore this Universe – this beautiful Reality that holds so much knowledge, and mystery. 

I spoke in my last blog about making a commitment to Self, and when you get right down to it, I am looking at making a “Do-or-Die” commitment.  My Teacher reminded me this morning of my deep-felt need to study; that I have expressed a desire, and commenced the work, to dig deeper into that world of Energy, Frequency, Vibration.  I want to learn from the Masters and use that knowledge to colour my world and the world around me – and to do this I need to have all my tools available to me – my physicality as well as emotional, mental and spiritual aspects.

Photo by Gustavo Fring on Pexels.com

And as I write this, it appears that I have made that commitment, that Vow to Self.  Of course, I’m totally knackered after spending just 10 minutes on the treadmill, followed by a few ballet exercises, stretching, Tai Chi and some balance work.

Right now it feels good, but I do wonder how hard it is going to be to get out of bed tomorrow!

The Power of Manifestation

Several years ago, I heard about the power of manifestation… 

At the time I’d set up a pretty full-on gym in the garage.  I’m an ex-fitness fanatic and was working hard to recover after illness.  I’d hop on the treadmill and as I was walking, I’d think about the things that could make my life perfect. 

I never did fall for the bunkum of manifesting a new car, money in the bank, an over-seas holiday etc. – there are so many things wrong with that train of thought – but it did get me thinking about how I would like my life to look in the future.  I knew, even in those early days of my spiritual journey, that you can wish and pray and talk all you want, but if you are not prepared to put in the hard-yakka, nothing is going to materialise out of thin air.  I knew that if I wanted these things in my life, I had to do my fair share of the manifesting.  Source, God, Spirit (whatever name you prefer) was not going to just drop stuff into my lap because I really, really, really want it!

I ended up with a fairly short list, and I walked for hours on that treadmill as I spoke that list out loud.  It was like chanting.  The words timed to the rhythm of the steps I took.  I had to walk miles each session because I also felt the need to explain exactly why each point was important; how I, specifically, wanted each thing to look; why I didn’t want too much of each good thing – da da da…. 

Moving forward…. 

About a month or so ago, I realised that something was really weird.  I was in a very strange state of mind and it took me a while to work it out.  I am happy. 

I can honestly say that I can count on one hand the times I have felt this happy.  The birth of my daughter over 40 years ago.  The birth of my eldest grandchild 18 years ago.  Very, very few other times.  It took me a while to work out why, but almost all of those things I wanted in my life as I walked on that treadmill, are here.  The reality isn’t how I envisaged things to turn out, but they are the reality I now live in.  And it is good.

A good example:  At the time, many people told me that if I was going to ask for money in my manifestation hopes, ask for a lot.  Don’t be stingy.  Go for the Big Bucks!  Me?  That didn’t sit comfortably.  I just wanted enough so that I could pay my bills and have a little left over so I could save up for small luxuries.  What came about is that I am now an Aged Pensioner.  I have a regular income of about half of the breadline wage and which has very little room for fluff – but, my bills are paid, I share a wonderful house on the water (another of my desires) at (almost unbelievable in today’s world) a rent I can afford. 

I sought good health, as I walked that treadmill.  Good health is a very relative thing.  If I look at my point of view from 25 years ago when I was at the top of my game, I’m a wreak!  If I look at my health from the point of view of my doctor telling my that the periods of paralysis are going to get worse and I won’t ever be pain free so I should start to use a wheelchair, my current health is fantastic!  It’s just a matter of how you look at things in your life.

These things that have brought about a fulfillment in my life, and this strange and wonderful feeling of contentment and happiness, didn’t come about because of the chanting as I walked that treadmill, they came about because I put in the hard work.  They came about because I did my damn best to look for the bling in every dark corner – and I have been well-challenged in that arena – and not allowed myself to wallow (at least not for long) in despair.

One of the things I asked for was time to look after me, to do the things I want to do and not be at everyone’s beck and call.  I’m one of those people who has a very strong need to help others – and it’s caused me no end of problems because it’s often been at the expense of having time to look after me.    The isolation periods of the last couple of years has been a blessing in disguise for me as it highlighted a need to withdraw from the addiction of social media, to pull back from trying to set up classes and workshops aimed at helping others deal with their anxiety, fear etc.  It was time to STOP.  So I did.  And there it was – time to do the work on ME.

On this Spiritual path I have done the hard work that has brought me to this point in my growth.  I am currently in the midst of a shift where I can choose to step up and take that work further.  Where I can study, dig even deeper into the Energies of this beautiful world we call home.  Or I can sit back and feel good about where I have arrived.  A place of reasonable comfort with enough funds to pay my bills – and that feeling of happiness!

I understand the value of pushing things a bit further.  Dramas that many of us face can definitely push you out of your comfort zone during the early stages of this life-journey, and maybe, as I travel further, my comfort zone will be rocked a few more times.  Somehow, I don’t believe that the drama of my life up to now will continue at that intensity.  I am aware that as drama appears, I have a choice.  It is my reaction that causes the problems.  Hopefully I’ve learned enough that I can make the wise choices.

Do I believe in the power of manifestation?  You betcha I do.  But not at the level of ask / pray / focus hard enough and it will materialise like magic.  No.  You have to do the hard work.  The work on Self – physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and the practical work of having a goal to aim for – and going after it.  You have to decide what is realistic and what isn’t.  It’s the adult version of the mother telling the child that ‘Just because you want it, it doesn’t mean you can have it!”

Symphony of Sorrowful Songs

I saw a post on Facebook asking people “what kept you alive when nothing seem able to save you”.  That post triggered a memory of me, in my office, not long after my husband had passed on, sitting at the computer, headphones on and the volume really loud so that I didn’t have to listen to, or deal with, any of the crap going on around me. 

Symphony of Sorrowful Songs by Gorecki was one of only two things that kept me on this earth when my husband died.  It starts so softly and gently that you don’t really hear anything for the first 2 minutes, and then it just builds and builds.

I’ve you’ve not listened to this, the title may be enough to make you wonder why, when you are feeling at the absolute bottom of the dung hill would you want to wallow in deep, dark music?  Those who turn to music to help them get through the hard times will understand – the music you listen to can be a reflection of the emotions you have rolling through you when are either unable to fully express those emotions, or have pushed them down so deep that you can’t express them.  It’s like doing mirror work; delving deep knowing that once you hit rock bottom, the only way is up. 

When you find that one track and you keep playing it over and over again, you may start to recognise the beauty and grace in the flow of the melody and you find that even though the music almost always brings tears, they are cleansing.  This was my ‘bling’ in one of the dark times of my life.  I literally wallowed in this music for several months.  It became like a drug, and without it I could not exist.  It seemed to be the only thing around me that reflected back the emotions I tried to hide from the world and that often threatened to drown me.

Symphony of Sorrowful songs by Gorecki is like a sunrise over the ocean.  Living in the darkness is not comfortable.  It can be scary, especially when the future is unknown, but like the sunrise, this music guides you through your personal dark nights and shows you a promise of peace.

Sunrise from my garden – Auri’An

As you listen, there is the quiet expectation of the time before the first hint of light becomes visible.  The darkest place.  It’s quiet.  So quiet and deep that you barely register the sound, but bit by bit like the pre-dawn glow of the sunrise, the music starts to infiltrate, it starts to make itself known to your awareness.

It’s heavy, dark, and it feels like a very familiar reflection of the darkness and struggle in your own heart.  But like that sunrise, it keeps coming on in waves that bring the inevitable lifting of the darkness.  As the waves of music swell, for a moment you recognise the emotion that you hold under tight control, so that to others, you show not the sadness that is your constant companion, but rather your hard-won strength, and that even though you may be struggling right now, you will survive this.   It is a recognition of how you get through your day – the heaviness pushed to the background and overlaid with something lighter that allows you to do what you need to do in order to simply exist. 

And still this music climbs, bringing the Energy from your Root Chakra, through Sacral, Solar Plexus and coming up to your Heart Chakra, bringing the promise of eventual Peace.  Your heart rate starts to slow and, as with the sound of the ocean waves, you allow the music to wash over you, relaxing physical tension, washing away the false-front you hold like a shield against the world, and allowing a release of emotion.

Then the sun peaks over the horizon – a moment of stillness, before the Soprano voice joins in and so perfectly expresses what is in your heart, building and building until you feel almost overwhelmed.  The waves of Energy keep climbing and you recognise the cycles that occur in life: the humdrum repetitions that sometimes provide a lifeline; the almost-too intense times when you simply don’t know what to do and you just exist through the tempest; the quieter times where you can pause and take a breath.  These cycles?  They are Life.    The sun is risen.

In writing this, I sat and listened to this music for the first time in years.  Those life cycles have moved on and although there has been much drama, pain and loss, there has also been much joy and love and laughter.  Life has been lived.  I still feel the sunrise in this music and as it builds and grows it takes me to different heights.  I have a different starting-point – I’m no longer in the well of despair and am not listening from the dark depths of grief.  I still feel it in my Heart Chakra, but this is where it starts, not where it grows to.  That promise of peace has been realised and I am now feeling deeper into the emotion of the composer.  I don’t know his story, but this piece was written from the heart.  And it is beautiful.

This is a link to this album. I’d love to hear your thoughts…..

Tears

I have been a person easily moved to tears all my life. Many situations move me in such a way, but especially those situations where I feel vulnerable. It is the common belief that such tears are a sign of weakness that has lead many people to belittle me and also, to under-estimate me.


For most of my life I have worked hard not to allow those tears to flow so easily and the result was disastrous – I reached a point where I couldn’t stop them. I had a breakdown 5 years ago.


It’s been a long journey back from that dark place and tears have, many times, lead the way. But these have often been cathartic. A release of emotions too long squished down. The releasing of such emotions eventually allowed me to examine them, to understand why I feel so deeply and to learn to flip almost every situation that previously caused me so many problems. Instead of squishing the emotion, bottling it up until it explodes in tears, I seek the lesson, the joy, the love in each event. That light is always there even though I sometimes have to dig deep to find it.


The result is someone who is (most of the time) standing in her Power. Who understands her strengths – and her weaknesses. Who understands that tears are not a sign of weakness, but are often a sign that there is work to do.


Recently I was talking with someone I hold in especial high regard; we discussed one of the areas where I feel vulnerable and I felt the tears form. There were many choices before me at that time. I could be embarrassed and feel weak for showing these tears and therefore squash them down. I could let them flow and tell myself I was being honest with my emotions, but also aware that if I did that there would be an element of “Poor Me” which is something I abhor. Or I could chose to see the lesson, the compassion and yes, the Love that my vulnerable situation has to show me – the “What is possible from this position?”


From a position of vulnerability there IS a whole heap of possibilities, they just have to be recognised and the work to change that area of vulnerability to be started. Recognition is the first step.

Auri’An (Sue Thomson) lives in Cardwell, Queensland and is the Founder of Ki’An Healing and Helping You.  She is a Meditation Therapist and Holistic Counsellor, Spiritual Teacher/Healer, Energy Healer, Belly Dance teacher…….  

Contact Auri’An by email: kianhealing@gmail.com  to book a private consultation.

Growing-up

As a child and as a young adult you learn to make your way in the world.  You learn to see and to be seen.  You learn how to make your presence felt.  You learn how to argue and, very importantly, you learn how to forgive.

As I grew up I did not learn these things.  I learned that I was the pretty little ballet dancer, gifted by many things – reading and writing at just 2 years of age, playing the piano at 3.  I did not learn how to use my voice.  I learned to fade into the background.  I learned that my opinions and thoughts were not important.  I learned to be a shadow on the fringe.  Growing up, I knew I was loved but that made me even more confused – how could I be loved when I was on the outside looking in?  Even now my family still think I am the weird one.  The hippy.  Many of my generation understand what I am saying – at least those who are First Wave Blue Ray Indigo.  I could be writing their story.

See?  I’ve just underscored my weirdness in the eyes of many.

The thing is, the vast majority of people do learn these early life lessons.  It’s usually pretty intense during those teenage years as you start to spread your wings and grow towards the adult you are going to be.  But when you don’t get to grow in this way you either stultify and become the person you were trained to be or you find your own way to grow.  And that growth can be even more painful, especially as it generally last many, many more years and you don’t have the protective wings of family to support you as you grow.

And making even harder – I had absolutely no idea what it means to be empathic.  Very empathic.  For the first almost-60 years of my life I lived in a state of overwhelm.  I lived in a constant state of emotion, mainly fear, and had absolutely no way to express it.  I now suspect that a lot of the emotions that overwhelmed me were not even mine.

In life, everything seemed normal.  I fell in love, married, had a child, ran a successful business, emigrated and then lost my husband to cancer.  Then I remarried and subsequently moved through all sorts of drama.  I also suffered from undiagnosed PTSD, had a mental breakdown and had absolutely no idea how to deal with the wash of emotions that I couldn’t escape from. 

I have moved a long way from that younger Sue, and that too has brought about its own sets of drama.  I am not the person I was.  I am not the Sue that my family and friends of years gone by would recognise and as a result, most of the people I loved best have moved away.  They do not understand this new, stronger, Sue.  I had another mental breakdown in 2014 and the journey back from that has been difficult but it has also been such an amazing journey.  This is where my growth really took off.

Today I discovered just how far behind I have left that childhood Sue.  The one who watched from the outside, who couldn’t express herself, who burst into tears at the slightest emotional intensity.  Today, my husband visited me and told me he had found someone else.  It’s really strange, the very things that had driven a wedge between us – mainly my spiritual beliefs – are one of the things he admires in this new lady. 

Our separation is fairly new – at least it is from a legal standpoint – and recently we had a major blow-up.  The sort of thing that just a year ago would have had me bawling my eyes out and feeling totally distressed.  Instead I stood up and said what I thought.  I argued in a clear and concise way without a heap of emotion getting in the way.  Probably a first in my life!!!   Then I got down to doing the Energy work.  I meditated, lovingly removed cords, re-wrote our Sacred Contract, practised Ho’oponopono and it was obvious, even the day after the argument, that there was an improvement.  And today, just a couple of weeks after that event, when my husband told me he had met another person – I was genuinely happy for them both and deeply wish them well.  I felt the love and forgiveness wash through me and I knew that I had finally grown into the adult I was meant to be.

Ripples

IMG_0420 (2)

It fascinates me, watching the ripples that move through humanity.  How the action of one person or one small event can set off a cascade of responses reaching wider and wider.

The first time I noticed this effect was when my first husband died.  I’d nursed him through his illness and some family members had given me so much love and support, taking on the little things such as cleaning the house and running errands, so that I was free to look after Ian.  This love and care is what formed the first Ripple Event that I noticed.

One of my Sister-in-Laws had read a newspaper article on a spate of home break-ins that were targeting the homes of those who were grieving.  These low-life folk were entering the homes whilst the family were at the funeral.  My SIL was worried, so she called upon a friend to ‘house-sit’ for the few hours we were away in order to farewell my husband.  The friend was very happy to help but had to make some arrangements to get her children picked up from school and looked after – so she called another friend.  That friend was also very happy to help, but she too had to change her plans…..  and so the ripple spread out formed from the Love and Care of one person.  I have no idea how far those ripples spread in order for me to feel safe that my home would not be attacked during the funeral, but I will always be grateful for these unknown and unsung heros.

That was over 20 years ago and I have remained aware and fascinated by this Ripple Effect.  It mainly tends to work quietly in the background – people helping people helping people – but sometimes it can also cause tsunamis of pain.

I know of a person who was in deep pain.  She kept the pain bottled up and never actually told the person who was inadvertently and unknowingly causing that pain.  Eventually it all became too much to contain and she closed all avenues of contact, even moving to a new town.  It was her choice, her way of dealing with something she needed to stop, but the ripples from this event are huge.  They spread out first to the person who was causing the pain.  Remember – that person was totally unaware they were the cause of any form of anguish and indeed has no idea what they did to cause such pain.  Being told of this would have been a shock but nothing like the pain of being discarded and blocked from her family.  She is still unaware of what caused the person to cut her off, and that causes her to now live in pain.   Some would call it Karma – you cause pain, you receive pain and I’d absolutely agree except that surely, this could have been healed by talking.  And so the ripples moved out.

In trying to explain that she really wants to resolve this, in trying to understand the cause behind this person’s actions, those ripples have gained momentum and spread out to other family members, causing huge arguments and rifts and the separation of grandchildren from grandparents.  Those family members then are more emotionally invested in this than before – and the ripples spread outwards.  Such a sad situation.  The pain one person kept hidden has now affected many.

I watched this Ripple Effect at play in my life yesterday.  I have a friend who was recalled to hospital after being discharged a few days ago.  A “get back here now, we’ve found something that needs checking out” type of call that must have sent waves of shock and worry through my friend.  She asked if I would drive her into the hospital.  There is no way that I wouldn’t help out, but I was up to my eyeballs in a business audit.  To take my friend to hospital I had to ask the assistance of 3 other people who all responded to immediately help out.  Their plans also had to change spreading those ripples.

So what are these ripples?  They are Energy.  Everything is Energy, we all know this, but this is Energy made visible through the actions of humanity.  Who knows how far those ripples spread before they peter out.  Do they ever peter out?  Perhaps they join with other, similar ripples affecting a deeper change in society?

From what I have observed, the ripples caused by pain and fear are huge and spread out so very easily – humans are conditioned to respond to fear.  It’s a survival trait.  But nowadays our fear is not from the chance meeting with a Sabre Toothed Tiger, but it’s on every billboard, on every TV programme, in every magazine and plastered right through social media.  We live in a bath of fear with tsunami ripples going every which way.

But we have the opportunity to choose.  Right now, at this point in the growth of the Collective Consciousness of Humanity, we can make a difference.  We can choose not to stir up or spread those ripples with a basis of fear.  We can choose to spread the slow, constant, smooth and gentle ripples formed by actions coming from Love and Care.

How do we do this?  We consider our every action and the effect it will have on our family, friends and neighbours.  Will this action cause tsunami ripples or gentle ripples?  Can I take potential tsunami and calm it?  Will this action stir up waves needlessly.  Do I need to send out tsunami waves to affect a positive change or will constant gentle actions ultimately bring a better result?

Considering your actions, being aware of what is best for you is good – but be also aware of the Ripple Effect and choose wisely.  Each choice you make affects far more than just you.

Gy’ Shé em

Sue Thomson

20190511_205501
Please feel free to share this blog.  I just ask that you respect the work and share in it’s entirety including the link to this page.

Home Alone

niklas-hamann-418782-unsplashSome days are hard.

Christmas is one of those days for me. It is a day filled with loss and aloneness.  This year was especially hard and I am disappointed in myself.

I don’t “do” Christmas and this year Spirit has guided me into understanding more about why this is.  In fact, over the last few weeks, Spirit has shown me a low-frequency Energy that I carry around with me, and have done so for most of my life.  It is such a part of me that I haven’t recognised it. It’s been bottled up so tight for so long I simply don’t see it.  I see it in others, but not in Self and that has to change.  You can’t work to better yourself, to grow, if you don’t see the very thing you need to work at.  This low-frequency Energy is Anger.  I can talk another time about how that Anger grew, about why I haven’t recognised it, but that is a tale for another day.  It is enough right now that I have recognised that emotion.  It means I can now work to heal that pain.

I am normally a glass-half-full person.  Even in the bleakest times I can usually find something to be grateful for.  I can usually see beauty in the dullest of days.  But Christmas Day?  Man that is hard.  Especially when faced with Face Book.  All those families coming together in Joy and celebration.  It’s confusing.  I am so glad and happy that others can enjoy that closeness with family but I am also deeply saddened that I don’t have family around.  Normally I can deal with it, mainly because it’s usually just another working day for me.  This year, I had no work to do.  It’s my life choices that have brought me such a Christmas Day, but this year I wallowed.

Loss comes in many forms.  I emigrated from England to Australia and in doing so, lost the family Christmases of childhood.  Australian Christmas is in the middle of summer – that is something I can’t get my head around – so many of my Christmas traditions are lost also simply because of the heat.  I could have made new traditions, but didn’t really get the chance.  My husband passed from cancer not long after we arrived in Australia and his family made it clear – and they chose to do this at Christmas, the first one after he died – that we were outsiders.  Or rather, If I am being honest (and I need to be) one member of the family made it clear we were not a part of that family.  I think the others told themselves that it was best if they left us alone in our grief.  I couldn’t get past the hurt that was done to my daughter that day and it was from this point that I decided that I wouldn’t “do” Christmas any more.  You can kid yourself that you are fooling others into believing that not ‘doing’ Christmas is a choice against commercialism (and I don’t go for the religious stuff either) but I don’t think that many folk realise that for me it is a defensive thing.  If you don’t do it, it can’t hurt.  How screwed up is that?

More loss.  This year I lost a close family member.  We have some barriers to break through and it appears that she is not prepared to talk about them, to try to fix them.  I didn’t even know they existed, at the level they obviously do for her, until early December.  And this is the trigger for my despondency, but it also where I found my bottled up Anger.  It is reflected in my daughter.  I found it in my mother a few years ago.  I remember that I’ve seen it in my grandmother – and experienced it at her hand.  And if you look closely at the one picture I have of my Great Grandmother, it’s right there in her eyes too.  I hope my daughter can break that trait.  She has the strength.

But now, it’s Boxing Day.  The day where tradition says you can return unwanted gifts.  I return the gifts of loneliness and dismal introspection.  I think it may take longer to return the Anger – that is something I don’t want anymore, but it will take some work to loosen.  It was a horrible day, yesterday, but this morning I realise my glass is still half full.  I had been given the opportunity to review these losses.  Some are profound and can’t be changed, some can be worked on and hopefully overcome.  But my decision, yesterday, to wallow in that loss and anger was a choice I made.  Unknowingly, yes –  but still a choice.  Today I choose differently.

I have started the Energy work on this.  It is a Karmic Imbalance that needs to be brought back into balance.  And that is one of the reasons why I am here in this lifetime.  To balance Karmic Imbalance.  I do have help in this.  I need it.

I asked my sister to be an intermediary, and sent a letter to this hurting family member.  A bridge, I hope.  A place from which to grow a better understanding of each other.  As adults.

So I will stay away from Face Book for another day – I’m not quite ready to take Joy in other people’s happiness but I do not plan to allow another Christmas to knock me so low.  If next year it looks as if it will be a lonely day again, then I’ll do something about it.

So often we see meme’s about remembering those who are alone over Christmas.  My last 20 Christmases have been difficult, but this year I learned the depth of loneliness this day can bring.  I didn’t like myself as someone wallowing in pain.  That pain has been with me for those past 20 Christmases, but this is the first year that I have faced it.  For the next 20 Christmases I will seek ways to build new traditions.

The Knowledge of my Anger, Despondency, Aloneness – and my wallowing in such low-frequency emotions IS a gift.  A gift of deeper understanding that I can now take out into the world.

A Gift of Knowledge, given in this Era of New Beginnings and New Knowledge.  I will NOT be returning this particular Gift on this Boxing Day.  Knowledge is far too precious.  And the opportunity for New Beginnings is the best Gift of all.

2018 – A Year of Change

karly-santiago-560707-unsplash

Gosh it’s been a while since I last wrote a blog article.  So much stuff has happened and despite heaps of good intentions, not a lot of writing has made it to this blog!  As I do every year, I hereby set my intention to be more diligent in the coming year.

As many other folk will also do, here is my review of my 2018 – a year that could have been the end-game of a very intense and fraught decade of disasters.  Instead it has been an amazing year.  As I think about the catalogue of woes of this year, I could be forgiven, I think, for curling up, burying my head in the sand and refusing to move into the world, but something happened on 8th January that completely changed how I viewed my world.

Backing up to the end of 2017:  I was living separate from my husband – a decision initially brought about by work, but which became comfortable – in a gorgeous old Queenslander workers’ cottage  three hours’ drive from where my husband ran our holiday accommodation business.  I lived alone with my dog; was studying, offering holistic counselling and spiritual healing and growing into my Self for what was probably the first time in my life.  On December 31st my husband called asking for help with cleaning the holiday apartments as the regular cleaner had been offered another job.  So, 1st January 2018 saw me packing up the bare minimum, throwing the dog in the car and heading back to Hervey Bay.

So many memories of living in that place, and not many of them good memories, so by 8th  January I was emotionally struggling and decided to go to the beach and meditate.  I was really low and although I was far from being suicidal, if the Mother Ship had landed next to me, scooped me up and flown me off to other parts of the Galaxy I’d have gladly left everything behind and gone.  I meditated on gaining more Balance in my life which had been out of control for many years.  Pretty much all my life had been a roller-coaster and I’d had enough.

Spirit sent the answer almost immediately.  I finished my meditation turned around to climb the sea wall back home and slipped on the first step breaking my ankle.  Well – not just breaking it, but doing about as thorough a job of smashing it up as you can possibly do without breaking the skin.  Long story short – I was rescued by the Fire Service, was hospitalised twice, surgery had me become the proud owner of a huge pile of titanium, two months of injecting myself in my belly every day and a total of 9 weeks with my leg stuck in the air.

Oh!  I forgot to mention that I was living with my husband and my dog (who weighed 63kg) in two small rooms at the back of the work office.  No proper kitchen, no view to outside, nowhere to move – pretty miserable.  Enforced bedrest gives you a choice.  You can wallow in self-pity or you can seek the Joy where you can.  I’d had a lifetime of self-pity, I had asked for Balance and although balancing on crutches wasn’t my plan, I realised that this was the start of my learning what I needed to learn in order for that balance to come into my life.

The year moved forward from that point – the bank threatened to foreclose on our mortgages (a whole back story there); the new owner of the business moved in and started running things, and so we needed to get out.  The minute I was relatively mobile we all piled in the car and drove the 17 hours to where my husband’s son lives.

We had absolutely no income and only had whatever belongings we had been able to fit on the back of a ute and we had to sell whatever we had in order to pay the rent.  I applied for unemployment benefit but in the meantime we sold everything including beds, table, chairs, washing machine….  You certainly discover who are true friends in such situation.

This is only the tip of the iceberg of the woes in my family, but you get the picture.  But when I was laid on the beach with that smashed ankle, moving into and out of consciousness, I felt very strongly that this was needed.  That something had to break in order to heal – and I am not talking about the various bones in my ankle!

This was one of those pivot points that everyone experiences at some time.  A time of choice.  Do I wallow, do I bewail my bad luck, do I fight or do I accept that Spirit has a plan?

I don’t see myself as a fighter.  Anything that has a feel of violence – even certain words – ties me up in knots.  I had been fighting for many years, through many traumas and with this injury I realised I had no fight left.  The Law of Attraction was in place – the more I fought, the more stuff appeared that needed to be fought for.  So instead, I Accepted.

I accepted the weeks confined to bed.  I accepted the loss of my home and that wonderful people who are barely more than strangers, went into my house and packed up my belongings.  I accepted that it will take 2 years to get fully mobile.  I accepted that we had fought through floods, bank errors, vicious attacks from neighbours and ex-friends. I accepted the loss of our business.  I accepted the most amazing people who came into my life, sometimes just for a few minutes, sometimes for longer. Spirit-sent for sure.  I accepted more home moves; battles with Government agencies; no income and the need to cancel plans to visit family and friends.  I have accepted that some family members are not willing to help (man that one hurt, but I have accepted) and that other family members will give their all to help.  I have accepted that my Spiritual Sisters are my strongest family.

And in all this acceptance I have learned.  I have learned to see the threads that bind us together.  Stretching throughout my lifetime and the lifetimes of every single being I have come into contact with.  Stretching through all dimensions and ages, I have learned to see the tapestry that is woven that brings me to this point.  This place where I am now.

I see Balance.  My husband met someone who had work available that is exactly what I needed and gives me time still for my Spiritual work.  I am teaching people in my new town the things that are dearest to my heart such as meditation and belly dancing and greeting the Full Moon.  And the people of this new town are the most amazing, friendly, open-hearted folk.  I knew as soon as I first stepped out of the car onto the foreshore of this place that I had Work to do here.  Spiritual Work.  Within days a local lady stopped and spoke with me.  She told me that she knows I have Spiritual Work to do here and that she had been waiting for me.  We have worked together for many, many lifetimes and we both recognise this.  It is a beautiful thing.  Most of all I see the Energy of Spirit behind everything that has happened in my life – and that all things were needed for me to become who I am right now.  Today.

Slowly, the ties to the traumas of the past years are being resolved.  Some are painful, some are amazingly smooth, but one by one they are being dealt with.

And so I greet 2019 with Joy.  I am at Peace.  I survived and came out whole.  I am stronger mentally and emotionally than I have ever been.  Physically?  Lots of work to do there LOL.  12 months being physically inactive, especially when you are no spring-chicken, plays havoc with the waistline and the fitness!!!

Through the entire year, the back-bone of being willing to carry on, are those who helped: my husband’s son and his family and my Spiritual Sisters.  These are true Family.

I am starting to understand the reason I landed in this town, and the lessons I am here to understand and grow with.  I have no doubt that the year to come is likely to have its own set of problems, but I have learned deeply, the adage that everything happens for a reason.  This lesson has cropped up many times in this life, but now I am able to see the threads and the weaving that brings together a Tapestry of Life that continues to grow into it’s beautiful whole with each day that passes and each person I meet.  The difficulties of life offer you the opportunity to tie a tight knot to strengthen that tapestry; an opportunity to change the colour of the thread you have been weaving.  They enrich your life – if that is what you choose.

Which Way Forward?

I wrote the following a few weeks ago when we first started to hear of children being separated from their parents as they tried to head towards a better life in the US.  It triggered a worldwide shock wave – and I am not about to get embroiled in the why’s and the finger-pointing, nor will I respond to any negative discussions that may result from this sharing of my thoughts.  These words are just my verbal meanderings as I try to sort it all out in my mind – what is the way forward?

Here in Australia, at the same time, there was outrage against the men who perpetrate crimes against women and the fears of women generally as the focus was once again turned, not towards educating men that this is not acceptable, but in educating women in the need to be more vigilant and more restricted in their actions.  Women were standing up and asking why they need to be careful, why they need to stay indoors, why should they not be free to venture outside without a male escort?

I do my best in such situation to remain outside the energy, to be the Detatched Compassionate Observer, but in the face of all this emotion it was hard to remain separate – and certainly it was hard to remain silent.  So I did what I naturally do – I wrote.

Regardless of your stance in these or similar topics I hope you will read beyond these initial thoughts of mine and to the voice I now hold in my heart that I would share with those who would like to hear.  I’m not saying I am right, heck I’m as confused as anyone else as to how this human race got themselves to this point, but I do have a few thoughts that may give you a pause for thought, an idea how you want to travel forward from this point.

This is what I wrote:

If every woman curls up and says “This is just how it is. Nothing has changed in the past and nothing will change in the future,” we, as a Collective Consciousness will choose that reality. We will be agreeing that it is ok to disempower women, that it’s OK to make women into perpetual victims. Yes, women are also taking that party line – they have been led to believe that they do not have the right to expect to be able to walk through a park at night without considering personal safety as a priority. They have been sold the concept that it is up to women to protect themselves from attack, and by default they have agreed that men hold power over them. Most who follow this path do not even see it. They do not understand that by following the ethos of “Nothing Changes” nothing WILL change.

Each individual, whether male or female, who cannot stand up and be counted in whatever way they are able to do so, is supporting the view that women (and children) don’t count.

I’m not an activist. I don’t follow world events. I am not the person who will go on marches or protests. I am the silent sister who simply adds her voice to the many other individual voices around the world saying ENOUGH. I am the sister of those who are afraid, but I am past my fear. I do not live by fear. It is no longer a part of my world. I am one individual who is part of the whole who says that the dominance over the weak, the hurting and the innocents is over.

Fear is the means that has been used for thousands of years to keep the balance in favour of those who perpetuate the fear. Those who would be rulers. This Energy we are discussing here, and that in the USA with the separation and imprisonment of children, and in almost all other parts of the planet is this Fear.

Now it is time for choice. Do we stay with fear or do we work now, raise each individual voice in whatever manner the person is drawn to do for the beneft of innocents. Do you want your daughters, and their daughters’ daughters to be able to be able to go for a run in the park, without fear? Or is your fear so great that you cannot even add your prayers to the growing movement of those who say NO MORE.

Even now, reading this it doesn’t seem unreasonable, but what if I were to tell you that even that reasonable-sounding voice is also adding to the disharmonious energy of Fear?  As too is that last sentence, because some of you will have become annoyed, angry even, at my words – “What?  That’s BS!  Everyone can fight in any way they want/feel called.”  And whilst that’s not wrong either, we have to dig deep and discover the base emotions behind our thoughts.   It is usually righteous indignation – which has the base of Fear, and without Fear, there is nothing to fight. It’s that simple.  And the sad part is that most who call out in this way don’t even realise that it is within the Energy of Fear that they are walking.

It is so very, very hard to live in this Reality and avoid Fear.  It is everywhere.  We all live in perpetual Fight or Flight Response and for some, the slightest thing can trigger anger, annoyance, even chest-puffing bluffing.  Today I saw a conversation on Face book between two people who consider themselves as “Lightworkers” – they were talking about the number of guns they have and that they were ready for whatever they thought was coming.  I also heard of other Spiritual people who talk about Love and Light – and gear up for marches against something that angers them.  And so much more in a similar vein.

It saddens me that the folk who genuinely want to do the right thing, who feel they are defending those who cannot defend themselves; who genuinely feel they can make a difference still feel the need to follow the same aggressive model that hasn’t worked but has been the norm for the last few thousand years.  They cannot see that they are not, after all, following the Goddess, the Divine Feminine, they are still feeding the world of anger, aggression and the “I am going to fight for my cause through my physicality.”

Without a doubt the events that cause us to fear, to be angry with the actions of our leaders need to stop.  I don’t think that anyone who calls themselves “Human” can disagree with that.  But do we believe – I mean truly believe – that following the male-dominated model of the last few thousand years is the right way to continue?

These, of course, are just my thoughts, my ramblings, but when I realised that the words I wrote were still feeding that anger and fear, I stopped and took a good long look at what I was hoping to achieve, and I realised that my actions in writing those words, and the way I believe these changes will come into this world are very widely different.  My words shout that we need to change this NOW.  Right Now.  Someone needs to fix this problem now so we no longer have this fear and anger in the world.  We don’t want to live like this, with this fear any more.  The underlying story of these words is like that of a child – lashing out in fear and confusion and trying, in the only way she knows how, to fix things –  but the fixing tool is broken.  It no longer works, in fact it hardly ever did work for most people.  It’s a boy-tool, male energy working through money and technology and power-games.  It no longer works and more and more people are realising that they need to find another way.

The “other way” is ultimately in the balance and harmony of the male and the female – but guys – we are riding pendulum of emotions and if we are not careful we will send the pendulum shooting too far the other way (more on that another day), but for now we need to walk our talk.

Trying to combat Fear with Anger will not work.  Love and Light do not walk hand-in-hand with guns and argument.  Peace and Calm do not blend well with dogma and dominance.  Each time we bring these together we are saying that this is the world we choose.  We are building the future reality with our actions now.  I know that the future world I want to see is not these things.

My truth, as I see it now, is that these things will not be fixed by marches and demonstrations and fear and anger.  These things will not be fixed overnight.  Heck, I don’t think these things will be fixed in my lifetime.  Or the life time of my children’s children.  But maybe, if we get it right now, then their children, my great-great grandkids, may be able to walk in freedom and balance.

We are honoured to be here right now.  This is a time of New Beginnings and New Knowledge – and we need to step up and use that New Knowledge to bring about the New Beginnings of the future of humanity.  WE are the ones to take the first steps in turning away from that old male model of aggression that has failed all but a few, and we need to continue what the Hippy / Flower Power generation started.  Peace through Unity and Love.

Through each Individual Consciousness acting through Love, Compassion, Prayer, Unity and Knowledge we will slowly move towards that time of balance.  We just need to get organised in following that peaceful route together.  And the first step is coming to Unity in how we are going to approach this matter.

For now, I Energetically support the Collective Consciousness of Humanity and when enough people get together in this way, believe me – you can see the changes starting to happen.

%d bloggers like this: