Tag: death

Ripples

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It fascinates me, watching the ripples that move through humanity.  How the action of one person or one small event can set off a cascade of responses reaching wider and wider.

The first time I noticed this effect was when my first husband died.  I’d nursed him through his illness and some family members had given me so much love and support, taking on the little things such as cleaning the house and running errands, so that I was free to look after Ian.  This love and care is what formed the first Ripple Event that I noticed.

One of my Sister-in-Laws had read a newspaper article on a spate of home break-ins that were targeting the homes of those who were grieving.  These low-life folk were entering the homes whilst the family were at the funeral.  My SIL was worried, so she called upon a friend to ‘house-sit’ for the few hours we were away in order to farewell my husband.  The friend was very happy to help but had to make some arrangements to get her children picked up from school and looked after – so she called another friend.  That friend was also very happy to help, but she too had to change her plans…..  and so the ripple spread out formed from the Love and Care of one person.  I have no idea how far those ripples spread in order for me to feel safe that my home would not be attacked during the funeral, but I will always be grateful for these unknown and unsung heros.

That was over 20 years ago and I have remained aware and fascinated by this Ripple Effect.  It mainly tends to work quietly in the background – people helping people helping people – but sometimes it can also cause tsunamis of pain.

I know of a person who was in deep pain.  She kept the pain bottled up and never actually told the person who was inadvertently and unknowingly causing that pain.  Eventually it all became too much to contain and she closed all avenues of contact, even moving to a new town.  It was her choice, her way of dealing with something she needed to stop, but the ripples from this event are huge.  They spread out first to the person who was causing the pain.  Remember – that person was totally unaware they were the cause of any form of anguish and indeed has no idea what they did to cause such pain.  Being told of this would have been a shock but nothing like the pain of being discarded and blocked from her family.  She is still unaware of what caused the person to cut her off, and that causes her to now live in pain.   Some would call it Karma – you cause pain, you receive pain and I’d absolutely agree except that surely, this could have been healed by talking.  And so the ripples moved out.

In trying to explain that she really wants to resolve this, in trying to understand the cause behind this person’s actions, those ripples have gained momentum and spread out to other family members, causing huge arguments and rifts and the separation of grandchildren from grandparents.  Those family members then are more emotionally invested in this than before – and the ripples spread outwards.  Such a sad situation.  The pain one person kept hidden has now affected many.

I watched this Ripple Effect at play in my life yesterday.  I have a friend who was recalled to hospital after being discharged a few days ago.  A “get back here now, we’ve found something that needs checking out” type of call that must have sent waves of shock and worry through my friend.  She asked if I would drive her into the hospital.  There is no way that I wouldn’t help out, but I was up to my eyeballs in a business audit.  To take my friend to hospital I had to ask the assistance of 3 other people who all responded to immediately help out.  Their plans also had to change spreading those ripples.

So what are these ripples?  They are Energy.  Everything is Energy, we all know this, but this is Energy made visible through the actions of humanity.  Who knows how far those ripples spread before they peter out.  Do they ever peter out?  Perhaps they join with other, similar ripples affecting a deeper change in society?

From what I have observed, the ripples caused by pain and fear are huge and spread out so very easily – humans are conditioned to respond to fear.  It’s a survival trait.  But nowadays our fear is not from the chance meeting with a Sabre Toothed Tiger, but it’s on every billboard, on every TV programme, in every magazine and plastered right through social media.  We live in a bath of fear with tsunami ripples going every which way.

But we have the opportunity to choose.  Right now, at this point in the growth of the Collective Consciousness of Humanity, we can make a difference.  We can choose not to stir up or spread those ripples with a basis of fear.  We can choose to spread the slow, constant, smooth and gentle ripples formed by actions coming from Love and Care.

How do we do this?  We consider our every action and the effect it will have on our family, friends and neighbours.  Will this action cause tsunami ripples or gentle ripples?  Can I take potential tsunami and calm it?  Will this action stir up waves needlessly.  Do I need to send out tsunami waves to affect a positive change or will constant gentle actions ultimately bring a better result?

Considering your actions, being aware of what is best for you is good – but be also aware of the Ripple Effect and choose wisely.  Each choice you make affects far more than just you.

Gy’ Shé em

Sue Thomson

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A Tricky Topic

This is a tough topic.  It shouldn’t be because it’s something we will all achieve eventually.  It’s the last thing that most of us will do in this lifetime although some do it a couple of times, usually thanks to modern medicine.  I’m talking about death and grief.  If this is a sensitive subject at this time for you, it’s probably best not to read further just now.  This is just my view, at this stage in my life.  I know some people will worry that I’m struggling in some way, but no I just feel this is a topic with a taboo that we need to re-assess.  It shouldn’t be something to fear.

This ramble was triggered by a Face Book friend who has just written that she had to say goodbye to her dog after an emergency trip to the vets.  It’s such a time of sadness, when you loose a fur baby and friends gather around offering support and condolences, but I have a very different view that could be difficult for some folk to comprehend.

I’ve never feared death.  It’s a part of the experience of living.  None of us can escape it.  It’s the unknown that often scares us and the fear that many of us experience is mainly due to centuries of religious fear of going to Hell if you are bad.  And let’s be honest, we are all ‘bad’ at times.  It’s part of being human.  I bet there is not one person reading this who has not stolen something – even if it’s just a paperclip from the office or ten minutes of someone’s time when they were in a hurry.  In this scenario, Hell must be a busy place!

When someone I know passes, of course there is sadness and grief, but for me it is also a time of celebration.  This person (including fur babies) was in my life for a reason and my life is so much richer for having known that person, and hopefully that person gained much for having me in their life for a time too.

It is so easy to get caught up in the sorrow of someone passing.  You may disagree or want to argue with me, but I see that sorrow as also a little selfish.  Don’t, please, get me wrong, I also don’t see ‘selfish’ as a bad emotion although it can be.  The sorrow is because that person is no longer there.  You cannot interact with them anymore.  They are missing in your life.  They have left a hole that is going to be difficult to fill.

In our sorrow, we often forget the good times we shared with that person.  At least for a while.  For me this is the crux of grieving, the ultimate thing to be sad about – we forget for a time how much richer we are for having known that person.

When someone passes we all offer sympathy: “So sorry for your loss.”  “My condolences.”  We just don’t know what to say to bring comfort and that brings a level of awkwardness and sometimes friends just drop away when they are needed most, simply because they don’t know how to help.

For me, the way to help is to remember the good times.  The Joy and Laughter you shared together.  The giggles and the mischief, the times you sat into the middle of the night discussing world affairs, the hugs.  Remember the funny quirks that you teased him or her about, the things he or she taught you.  Remember and be thankful for the Love you shared, but most of all, don’t focus on the sadness.  It isn’t disrespectful to giggle at a funeral when you are remembering with Love.

When my first husband passed 20 years ago, I wanted to hold an old-fashioned wake.  Not one where everyone stands around, dressed in black with serious expressions on their faces, and softly spoken words.  I wanted a good old knees-up, a remember with Joy And Laughter PARTY!  I wanted ‘funniest thing I can remember about Ian’ games.  I wanted kids to have ‘run like Uncle Ian’ races (he had a very strange way of running).   I had a shed full of car maintenance tools I’d never use and didn’t even know the names of, so I wanted a Grab a Gift from Ian for all the guys into motor racing or car repairs.  I wanted a Moody Blues sing-along.  I wanted to make his life, and the impact it had had on each person there REAL.  I had heaps of practical support from many wonderful people, but people are so conditioned to celebrating the sadness; the absence of the person that they just couldn’t cope with my need to celebrate the good and the funny quirks that made Ian who he was.

What all this rambling is ultimately saying is yes, the time that someone transitions is sad, but don’t let the sadness overpower the richer memories.  The Joy and the Laughter.  You walked with that person, or fur baby, for a reason and when they leave your life, let the memories be the good ones.

I’m not old, but I am older and occasionally thoughts of my mortality cross my mind (no, I’m not being morbid so, my loved ones reading this, no need to worry).  I see my eventual time of transition as my greatest adventure,  I get to see, to Know, what comes next!  I am honoured that I got to walk next to you for a while.  Maybe I’ll get chance, like Billy Fingers, to pop back and say Hi!

 

 

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