Digging Through Ego

I’ve been thinking about Ego.

Like most people, I’ve had my moments of Ego and always, in hindsight I’ve disliked myself in those times.  That feeling of superiority, the whole “I know/have done/have experienced more than you” persona.

It’s usually not pretty.  And so I tend to watch myself fairly closely that my Ego is not colouring my words and emotions.  We’ve all seen and felt the energy of those people who  believe themselves so much better/further along the path…..  but then I also see other folk who project Ego all unknowingly.  And I realise just how insidious it can be.

So why am I thinking about this now?  Because something happened a couple of days ago and I wanted really badly to share it.  So I did, with my friends, people I trust.  These friends are awesome and would take what I said at face value and then celebrate with me.

But my busy brain got in on the picture and asked the question….was there an underlying Ego blast there?  A lot of self-searching later and my answer is No.  No ego, just excitement and a desire to share that experience for what it is.

But what about the possibility that people other than these friends see my talk as Ego?  As a “look what happened to me, you’ve not experienced this!” superiority?  That niggly voice can be very annoying!

This is something that has plagued my life; that has inadvertently led me into heaps of situations that have knocked the stuffing right out of me.  That has undermined my confidence and self-esteem.  The sharing and not feeling any form of ego, but still receiving the accusation; the empathic reaction to another’s problem and the resulting accusation of one-up-manship.  The accusation of needing to be better than everyone else.  These questions had, I thought, been laid to rest – until Ego popped up and said “You don’t get rid of me that easily!”

Ego isn’t all bad though.  It is a part of us that is involved in our consciousness. The etymology of ‘ego’ is “the self; that which feels, acts, or thinks,” from Latin ego “I”.  So your ego is, quite simply YOU.

Digging a little deeper: The “I” or self of any person (ego is Latin for “I”). In psychological terms, the ego is the part of the psyche that experiences the outside world and reacts to it, coming between the primitive drives of the id and the demands of the social environment, represented by the superego.

And so, back to Google to check out “superego”:  The superego is the ethical component of the personality and provides the moral standards by which the ego operates. The superego’s criticisms, prohibitions, and inhibitions form a person’s conscience, and its positive aspirations and ideals represent one’s idealized self-image, or “ego ideal.”

And I realise that there is a whole world of wonder regarding Ego.  It is not as simple as someone’s superiority, it is also not something that needs to be squashed right down and removed.  That would be squashing what makes you YOU!  The trick must be, as it is in many other aspects of life, in gaining a balance.  Of being able to yell “look what I experienced” without making other people feel as if they are lacking.

Or is their feeling of lack, something they need to look more deeply into on a personal level?

Sheesh……  This became complicated!

Talking to Lulani

Ever since I spiritually woke up and learned about guides, guardians, angels, spirit animals etc I have wanted to talk with them direct.  But that doesn’t seem to be the way I work. Certainly if I was clairaudiant life would be simpler – but the sleuth-work I find myself doing trying to work out symbolism can be fun.  And frustrating!

In my last post GUIDES and ANGELS I mentioned how I came to discover the name of one of my guides, Lulani, and  how she gave me info to research – all through the gifts of a lovely lady I am proud to call Teacher and Friend, Essence Ka tha’ras.  Today, I would like to share with you how Lulani and I have worked out a way to speak directly without my being clairaudiant!

After learning about Lulani, Pele, lava and more I spent a couple of days sifting through Google and You Tube following this lead and that lead trying to decipher what could be meant by “Moon Night Sun” and “Sun Behind the Sun”  I learned a whole lot about sun flares, CME’s. coronal hole streams but not a thing that was actually relevant.  It’s very possible this will be relevant at some point, but not in the short-term that I was looking at.  We were due a HUGE geo-magnetic storm and I thought the two phrases had something to do with that but it became very obvious as the storms passed that I had been barking up the wrong tree again!

So I had a problem.  I have a guide who is giving me clues to follow, but I can’t contact her unless I get in touch with Essence who lives on the other side of the world.  And calling on her all the time would be rudeness of the worse kind.  She’s a busy, busy lady but I know that she would give whatever little time she had to help out.  A totally unfair thing to do to anyone.  The problem needed a solution, and so I did what I usually do when faced with a tricky situation – I meditate.

Meditation, for me, usually involves me completely zoning out – eventually coming back to this life a tad disoriented; astral traveling somewhere; acting as an energy conductor (very common when I meditate in a group); being on the receiving end of a high-speed movie-style download or dropping into a vision/dream.  I NEVER meditate lying down – there is always too much of interest happening to risk falling asleep!!!!

And so with this meditation, and a very specific task to achieve, I dwelt on the words Lulani had given me.  “Ask and ye shall receive”  So I asked:  “I need to be able to speak with you directly.”  Somehow.  We had to work it out and I’d already tried auto-typing on my computer with very limited success.  But this guide was one step ahead of me.

When I act as a conductor for energy, my arms do ‘their own thing’.  They levitate.  I don’t control it, they go off and gather energy, squish it into a ball and send that ball of light off to wherever it is needed most.  All without my input.  I’m just a collection bucket!  LOL.  And this day was no different.  Except this time I received the energy!

When I collect energy I am usually quite aware of what my arms are doing.  I am simply not controlling them.  I feel the energy that is gathered, I usually know where it’s source is – Earth, Sun, Moon, Stars, Source or any combination. This time it was none of these.  It was a Gift from Lulani.  My arms gathered the energy as normal, squished it into a ball as normal and then very carefully placed it in my solar plexus chakra.  And everything stopped still as I went deeper into myself to see this Gift. No sound, no time, no me.  Just the Gift, wrapped in Love.

Lulani is a Dragon.  She is the Golden/Green dragon that I rode on my first astral travel to my home planet.  She is the dragon I have felt frequently over the last 12 months, but not seen.  And she gifted me the power of speech through fire.

Actually, that sound a whole heap more dramatic than it really is, but I couldn’t help leaving it in!!!  My weird sense of humour at play.   Heat is the means, the chakras are the locations of the heat, and each chakra has a word. Plus a few extra!  The heart chakra is LOVE.  The throat chakra is YES.  The base chakra is NO.  The solar plexus is KNOWLEDGE.  Heat across both shoulders is I AM HERE.  There’s more – I’m still learning.

And so we can speak.  It’s rather like a game of 20 questions but it is truly amazing how much information you can get with 4 words.  Yes, No, Love, Knowledge.


It’s been a while since last I wrote and heaps has happened in my 3D world.  Suffice it to say that Spirit has been challenging me.  But now my world is coming back together the spiritual quietness I have been experiencing over the past few months is moving away.  Exciting things are happening again – like getting to know my guides.  There have been a few popping up and I’d like to talk today about the most recent – Lulani.

Just over a week ago I suddenly woke up just after midnight.  By 1 am I’d given up on sleep, made a coffee and moved out to my back patio where I have a comfy sofa and a big quilt.  I wrapped myself up snugly and turned on my iPad.  I am one of 9 Admins for a wonderful Facebook page I’ve mentioned on other posts – First Wave Blue Ray Indigo.  I’m the only Australian Admin – everyone else is in Europe or America – so it was good to get in on the chatter with everyone else instead of sleeping through it!

The night was perfectly still.  Perfectly quiet.  Even my dogs were not snoring which is virtually unheard of – they are both window rattlers!  It was a time-out-of-time.  Surreal.  Into the middle of the conversation Essence Ka Tha’ras (who is the instigator of the First Wave page – an amazing woman) asked “Who’s guide is Lulani?”  the conversation carried on as if no-one had seen that post.  I answered that I didn’t know my guides, so I couldn’t help, but the name did resonate with me.  Lulani is an Hawaiian name and one of our Admins is Hawaiian, so it was logical to think that the guide would be hers.  But no – she is my guide!


Through Essence, I discovered that Lulani can be male or female, but this guide has female energy and that the name means “Highest Point in Heaven”  Of course, I later checked on Google – that fount of all knowledge – and this is exactly right.

Other messages were given to me through Essence:

  • Ask and ye shall receive
  • Come dance with Pele and I in the moon night sun

and that was the start of an amazing hour.  It was like a Guide party!  Five more of the Admins were given information about their guides and we were all given Tasks.

For me I first had to obtain some lava.  To help with communication.  I’m not clairaudient (gosh I wish I was!) and as Lulani is Hawaiian and I was invited to dance with her and Pele (Pele is a very strong Hawaiian Goddess who is deeply honoured and respected) it seemed logical to seek a piece of Hawaiian lava.  Except I knew that Pele will not allow anyone to remove lava or sand from the islands.  Through Essence again, I was told that I have permission and so I wrote to my friend and fellow Admin asking that if she was comfortable with the request, could she please send me some lava from her island.

I received a reply a couple of days later – a resounding NO!  My friend would not let me risk my very life in this way, and she most understandably was not willing to risk her life.  She wrote a long letter about this and I was deeply affected by her for caring so much and I honour her and Pele by respecting this wonderful friend and her fiery Goddess.

I returned to my bed but almost immediately the phrase I had been given “moon night sun” popped into my head and I knew the night wasn’t over yet.  So back outside, under my quilt and back into the conversation where Essence told me that Lulani had said that when researching ‘moon night sun’ in Google I should check out “Sun Behind the Sun.”

Now – when reading my diary notes about this lot, I have just noticed that I had written that “Moon Night Sun” is Lulani’s way of speaking about the Goddess Temples which can only be accessed through a secret doorway in the Sun behind the Sun.”  I wish I had seen that earlier – It would have saved me a wonderous and excited two days researching and barking up the wrong tree!!!

One other very interesting piece of information came out of this conversation – my message was received at 2:22am. The Metatronic Numberology I AM Keyword for 222 is:

I AM Multi-dimensionality in Gestation.

More on that when I work it out!  My next post will be about how, a few days later I was given a gift and have been learning to ‘speak’ with Lulani.


PS – I ordered a lava pendant from ebay – lava from Bali!  Pele walks the whole world and has been seen at many volcanoes.  There was no instruction that the lava had to be Hawaiian!  LOL



Helping Hands?

I’ve always had an urge to help people with their difficulties in life – especially if I have had some similar experience. This urge has got me into trouble so many times, but still it is there.

When I hear of someone treading a route I’ve already navigated it’s almost impossible for me to step back and not add my two pennyworth! As a result I’ve been accused of butting in where not needed and even one-upmanship. It’s easier when writing, as I can edit the words so that they mean what I am trying to say. It’s a lot harder to do this face to face. And that’s where I often get it wrong.
For example I knew, due to years of gynae issues that there was a chance I couldn’t have children. That was no problem until I had been married a year or so and I suddenly became desperate for a baby. Many years later I could still remember that need and when a work colleague told me she was about to embark on a course of IVF and that she was desperate to have a child, I told her that I understood her desperation and gave her an outline of my experience. My intention was mearly to demonstrate that I had some understanding of her situation and that I was there for her if she needed support. She took it as me trying to belittle her worries and feelings; of me trying to top her situation.

This particular experience stuck with me for years and caused me to retreat into my shell more and more. I became afraid to speak in case my words and intentions were mis-perceived again.

But still, I have the need to offer advice if I have experienced something or can see a point of view that is a little different. What I don’t do is expect the recipient to blindly follow my advice. It’s advice. It’s my experience. It’s not necessarily the answer for someone else. What I hope is that the person will gather information, suggestions, guidance from several sources, sort through it, discard what isn’t relevant, cherry-pick what has a ring of truth and arrive themselves with an answer that feels right for them.

After all, it’s their problem. Their bumpy path. I just recognise it from when I walked there. And I also had life lessons to learn.

It’s funny in a way. I still jump in with advice if I feel I can be of assistance. I still find that I will qualify my experience by sharing a situation that feels similar. For me, I am trying to demonstrate that I DO, truly, understand. And recently, as I have become more aware of my Life Lessons, I find myself offering advice through social media. I see the Lesson that is presenting itself.

Today, someone needed help. I offered my thoughts.
And then someone else suggested I write a blog about Life Lessons.

Maybe this is the direction I need here. Instead of my mental meanderings!

Time will tell.

I AM a First Wave Blue Ray Indigo

I AM a First Wave Blue Ray Indigo.

This is an article sent to me and in which I recognise myself. There are many more people just like me, who came into the world around the same time and who are experiencing similar life patterns. We are a Soul Family.


I can say that now, as can many others my age, but when we were young not only did most of us not know what this meant, we had not ever heard of such things before. Even today many people are not familiar with, nor have ever heard of this Spiritual Generation.

In this short article, which is an edited and slightly expanded version of one I originally shared in January of 2014, you will find information describing some of the attributes and traits of a First Wave Blue Ray Indigo. For those of you who are First Wave Blue Ray Indigos I hope this information may help finally answer some questions for you, and let you know something of your Spiritual Generation’s work and what we have done and continue to do for the Expansion of Consciousness of Humanity in the Spiritual Awakening process. For those of subsequent Spiritual Generations maybe this information may help you better understand your parents and/or you grandparents.

First Wave Blue Ray Indigos started incarnating in fairly large numbers around 1945 to 1949 through about 1969-1970. This makes them approximately between the ages of 45 to 70.

First Wave Blue Ray Indigos began coming in en masse around 1955 or so, and the “Hippy Love and Peace Generation” was the very first sign of this new frequency moving into physical mainstream reality; and it went a very long way in breaking up the dense vibrational frequencies held by Earth and humanity at that time; something that was necessary for raising the consciousness of the Collective.

In a nutshell, First Wave Blue Ray Indigos came here to start (re)raising the frequency of Earth and the Collective Consciousness of Humanity so that when the time for the Indigo Frequency Generation to come in arrived, the vibration and frequency of the planet would be high enough for them to get here and exist physically. The frequency First Wave Blue Ray Indigos came into was so dense Indigos and subsequent Frequency Ray Generations could not even get here.

Many First Wave Blue Ray Indigos had self-worth, self-esteem and low self-confidence problems. This was due to existing on a planet that felt very foreign and was not highly spiritually evolved. There was a strong sense of isolation for this spiritual generation, because finding each other back then was difficult.

First Wave Blue Ray Indigos instinctively knew they were different, and that things were not right on this planet, but they had to conform, at least in pretense, because the “accepted reality” at that time would not permit anything less.

First Wave Blue Ray Indigos had a tendency to stay to themselves a lot, and needed lots of time alone so they could “be” in a place that allowed them to connect to the feelings of “home” within their minds. They were not likely to rock the boat or make waves unless pushed to extremes; and this had to be an extreme, extreme!

First Wave Blue Ray Indigos intuitively knew they were here to do something big, yet had no idea what that something was. This inner knowing created a strong desire in them to constantly push in search of what it was they felt so strongly within themselves. This was actually the driving force that led to raising the vibrational frequency of Earth during that time.

First Wave Blue Ray Indigos are highly empathic and cannot, (even to this day) understand the acts of cruelty toward each other, animals, the earth, or the corruption in political, religious, and economic systems humans are capable of. They came in on a frequency ray, and from a place of Love and Peace, (as do we all), and want nothing more than to connect to others and exist in a place that feels peaceful, loving and kind. They are the true Idealist Utopians, and even though they can rationally understand why Utopia does not currently exist upon Earth, they cannot truly comprehend why it seems so difficult for humanity to instantly create Utopia on Earth. To them, it is as easy as breathing.

First Wave Blue Ray Indigos are Healers, Teachers and Energy Workers by nature. The Blue Ray is the Ray of Wisdom and Healing, and First Wave Blue Ray Indigos came here to assist with expanding the Heart Chakra of the Collective. This is why so many of them wear their “Heart on their Sleeve”, as the saying goes.

First Wave Blue Ray Indigos finally began “coming out of the Spiritual Closet” en masse in 2008; the year of the “Great Coming Together”. By that time many had finally healed sufficiently to begin feeling it was safe enough to expose their self to the world.

First Wave Blue Ray Indigos often have issues with tendencies of escapism because of the intense feelings of being so different and alone in this world. They often suffer with addictive tendencies and personalities; this is one of the largest contributing factors to the fact that the use of Sacred Drugs during the ‘60’s and ‘70’s turned into such a large issue of drug abuse.

Many First Wave Blue Ray Indigos suffer from conditions such as chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia. This is manifest from them constantly subconsciously transmuting energy for the planet and other people. The need for them to learn to do this work intentionally and consciously is imperative if they are to avoid creating physical ailments within their own bodies.

First Wave Blue Ray Indigos will often stay in dysfunctional relationships and situations because they “feel” like they are responsible for healing the other person, or persons involved; they have a very hard time telling other people no.

Indigos, those who came into the Earth plane on the Indigo Ray, have many of the same qualities as Blue Ray Indigos except they cannot and will not conform, at least not for very long, to standards set by society that go against what they “know” to be their truth. They are the Spiritual Generation known as the “System Busters”. They came here to change the world and they know it!

IN-Joy I Share

Blessings from All Realms of Creation

Essence Ka tha’ras

© 2015 Essence Ka tha’ras

Shambahalla-New Earth & The Metatronic Consciousness Energy Round

Please feel free to share this information, but only in its entirety, and with credit to the

Author – Essence Ka tha’ras

and please add a link back to this web-site….www.shambahallanewearth.com

Do We Have Any First Wave Blue Ray Indigos Out There?
January 15, 2014
In “2014”
Think On These Things
October 9, 2014
In “2014”
It’s A New Day… And I’m Feeling Good… 2014 – 7 Frequency
January 1, 2014
In “2014”

First Steps

My Awakening to this Spiritual life, was sudden and complete. It wasn’t the start of my Spiritual Journey, that started before I was even born into this life.  It was the start of my learning-curve, of the knowledge of why I am here, in this life.  It was a choice offered to me by Mother Earth, a choice to go on a Journey with Spirit or to remain in my ‘normal’life and be, perhaps, fated to repeat it again!  This is the story of how it came about. How it occurred. For me, it’s important. Very important. A re-birth in many respects. The most intense thing I have ever experienced.
It’s a long tale, so grab a cuppa, settle in…….

I’ve been belly dancing for about 8 years now and most years I go to Bayar Bahram, Middle Eastern Dance and Music camp which is held at Bornhoffen in the beautiful Gold Coast Hinterland. It’s a PCYC camp, surrounded by mountains, set in a lush valley – it’s a beautiful piece of paradise. And it’s very close to Mother Earth. Ley lines maybe? Power. The feminine spirit energy in the camp is palpable.

At camp there is usually around 150 people who come together to celebrate the music, the dance, the songs and the great food of the Middle East. It is a community where the political tensions of the world are of no importance. For me, this camp shows how the world would be if love and not money was the driving force. People come from everywhere. People who traditionally war with each other, instead drum, dance and sing together. It’s a 5 day idyll.

Just behind the cabins is a meadow. It is the spiritual center of the camp. A place of beauty, peace, tranquility. Surrounded by mountains, fringed with trees, a place where the song of the birds joins in with the music of the people. A place of quiet celebration and contemplation.

Meditation was not something I consciously chose to do before my Awakening. I’d occasionally sit by the ocean, or a lake; under a tree or in my garden and relax, not realising I probably was falling into a meditative state. But when I went to camp, the meadow was one of my first places to go to. To just sit quietly, observe the view, breathe in the peace. Put my world, my life, into a place of serenity.

Last year was no different. My friends and I unpacked and settled into our cabin and in the early evening I wandered off to the meadow. I fell into a very serene mood, accepting of the beauty. My life was in a state of intense turmoil and my stress levels had been through the roof. It was good to be able to put that to one side.

Most of my life I have seen coloured lights. Swirls of colour that flow in towards me before moving off and the next swirl to appear. As a child I was frightened of these coloured lights that appeared whenever I closed my eyes. At one time I worried that they were because I had some terrible illness. I had learned not to talk about them and over time I have grown to accept them. They are just a part of me.

As I sat in the meadow, my coloured lights swirled towards me but this time they didn’t move off. They coalesced together and formed into a turtle. A black turtle with eight legs! I was fascinated. This had never happened before. I wasn’t in the least bit worried or anxious. In fact, I would say that my biggest emotion at that time was simply acceptance. Wow. A turtle. With eight legs.

As I watched, the turtle started to change. It started to expand, a hole forming in the center. The eight legs, the head and the tail turned into ten dancers. They were holding hands, dancing in a circle. It was fascinating and beautiful.

I don’t remember how the vision ended. Or waking from my meditation, but I do remember going to find my friend, Robyn, who has experience with ‘spooky stuff’ and telling her about this. She told me that Turtle is a Spirit Animal and represents Mother Earth. I was so excited.

(Some weeks later, I met a Shaman. When I spoke with him about this vision, he told me that Turtle also represents choices. At that time Mother Earth was giving me a final choice to accept her. Or to continue with my normal life).

Obviously I had chosen to accept. Over the next few days of camp, more choices were given to me and all these culminated 5 days later in an amazing experience – my Spiritual Awakening.

Camp was, as usual, amazing. A glorious experience of music, laughter, dancing, song, friendship and more. I don’t sing, can’t get past basic stuff in drumming and can’t play any other instrument so I normally focus only on dance. But this camp was different for me. The morning following my Turtle visitation found me heading not to the dance class I’d originally intended to participate in, but to a drumming session! Or more specifically a female percussion group.

The teacher, Karen, is a lovely lady I’ve met at camp in the past and this year she wanted to build a female group of percussionists who were to explore the Trance rhythms of Sufi and Zar. Sufi I’d heard of, but Zar was totally new to me. As I entered the room I saw, in the center, a big drum. Huge. And I became very excited at the thought of maybe playing it but I didn’t think I’d get much chance…..remember, I just can’t get beyond beginner level with a drum!

I started on my Darbuka drum, messed about with a frame drum but then ended up clapping along to the rhythms. Once we mastered the basic rhythms Karen set about building us into percussion sections. And I got to grab the big drum! Yay! Once I’d got hold of it, I wasn’t about let anyone take it off me. I would have fought for the right to use this drum. But it didn’t get that far. I’m pretty sure Karen saw how intensely I wanted to play it, and it was mine for the duration of camp.

Each time I played this ‘Mother Drum’ I removed my shoes and unknowingly grounded myself. I became totally lost in the experience. Each rehearsal became more intense. Until the final full day of camp. We had a rehearsal first thing in the morning. Then we were joining a Zar workshop where we were to play the Zar rhythms for dancers to participate, and finally we were going to perform that evening in the camp concert.

The early rehearsal was amazing. Shoes off, I became totally lost in the drumming. Deep inside myself, feeling the beat in my very soul. At the Zar workshop, the teacher, Päivi, first taught us what the Zar is. It’s history. Then we began to drum. Some of the dancers totally lost it and were very much under the influence of the music. And so was I. I completely left my body. I could feel it, see it, watch it beating the drum. Raising the tempo. I was ecstatic. Literally. I’ve no idea how long we played but slowly I came back to me. Breathless, a little confused. Not quite with it.
The afternoon was spent practicing Dabke which I was also performing. Dabke is a form of line dance and is often performed by dancers holding hands and moving in a spiral pattern…..another symbol for Mother Earth of course!

By the time the evening came around I was still a little off kilter, as if the world was canted. Muted, foggy. Very weird. I found myself almost cocooned, as if I were in a bubble although I don’t think my friends noticed anything. My two sets, drumming and Dabke were programmed as the last two sets of the evening. All I really wanted to do was go to sleep. I don’t think I had eaten or drunk all day, unintentionally fasting. Food and drink just hadn’t crossed my mind!

So by the time the drumming set was due on stage I was very tired, probably dehydrated, adrenaline flowing and just a tad spaced out. On stage I was in the center of the group and the plan was to start with Sufi rhythms and then move on to Zar. The whole set was only about 4 minutes. A friend captured the performance on tape and it’s easy to see that I was confused.

We had practiced the Sufi rhythms and I totally knew them, but for some reason I just couldn’t play them! In the video you can see me touching the drum with the beaters, but not really knowing what to do. So unlike me! It was as if I was being driven not to play that rhythm! My foggy brain just shut down. Very confusing.

And then we moved into Zar. I was on that stage, a part of the performance, for the first beat of the drum only and then I was lost. Absolutely tranced. Päivi was dancing and I was later told that she too was right out of it with me. Poor Karen wasn’t able to stop the set because she knew the dangers of bringing someone out of trance too abruptly, and so we continued. And continued. About 8 minutes I believe. I started to return to me by seeing Karen standing in front of me counting the beats, and I watched her as if she were a life raft, slowly returning and finally bringing the set to an end.

I needed to escape, but I had another performance set – dancing Dabke! I have no recollection of dancing, although I have seen a video of it, so I know that I was up there, on stage, performing. Not very well I have to say – I was as confused as hell!
As soon as I could, I ran out of the hall and took myself off to the meadow. All I remember of that exit was a very strong need to lie on the ground.

It was raining. It was raining hard. A small part of me recognised that and as I went into the meadow I headed towards a group of rocks thinking that they wouldn’t be muddy. But the strangest thing happened as I climbed onto them – I was thrown off. At first I couldn’t believe it. I must be going mad. Rocks don’t throw you off. So I climbed up again, or rather I tried. It was very definite this time. NO! And I was thrown right off landing on my butt! My mind was obviously very open at this point because I decided that I was being told in no uncertain way that I needed contact with the grass. So that’s what I did. I sat in the muddy grass in the rain and accepted.

I have never, ever, had an experience so intense. I can’t tell you linearly what happened, because I’m not sure that there was “time” in whatever place I was. I know it was in the middle of the night, but the sun was shining. I know it was raining, but I didn’t feel the wet. It was cloudy, but the stars were all around. I know that I hurt. Everywhere. Every cell was torn to pieces and eventually put back. The pain was blissful. I know I tried to give birth through my mouth. I tried to eject all that was no longer necessary. I grew into the Earth. I cried. I watched the grass grow. I heard the Celestial Ohm. I saw the planet turning. I felt the life of the trees. I Became, with Gaia.

I have very little memory of what happened afterwards. A few mental ‘snapshots’. My friend Robyn had kept watch over me and when she knew I was coming back to this world, she came to me. I could barely walk and she helped me slowly climb back to our cabin. I remember her sending me for a shower. I remember her talking me through aligning my chakras and building protection around me. I remember yellow custard for some strange reason. I am totally blessed to have Robyn as a friend. A sister of my soul. Without her on that night, and in the weeks that followed I would have believed myself seriously ill. My first husband had died of a brain tumour, probably as a result of Chernobyl. I would have believed that was happening to me too if Robyn hadn’t been there.  A guiding light, mentor, teacher, friend, SiStar.

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