I’ve always been, in many ways, a ‘physical’ person. As a child it was ballet, as an adult I became an elite athlete. That young person lived in a fantasy world of stage lights and dreams; the adult ran up mountains – just because.
The physical me was my way of hiding from the world. As a dancer, I could live in any role I chose, be recognised and applauded; as an athlete I could challenge my body in a way that I did not know how to challenge the world around me. Always, I was hiding from my true self.
In 1997, a lifetime of stress caught up with me and I became physically ill. In pain so severe I was told I would need to use a wheelchair – but that was not a life I could envisage. It was not a life where I could use my body to emotionally escape. I began the work needed to change my physical world of pain, into something far more functional.
In 2015 I was in a good place. Physically active despite still being in pain, life was good, but I still carried the emotional weight of my life. Then I found the person who was to become my Spiritual Teacher, mentor and friend – Essence Ka tha’ras. She has taught me to understand from an Energetic viewpoint, the story of my life. She taught me how to re-write that story. It’s a journey I am still on, and right now, as I write this, I am at another crux point.
One of the things Essence teaches is that you cannot separate the physical from the spiritual, and I have grown to fully embrace that Truth. I recently turned 67 years of age and the abuses of a physical past are doing their level best to catch up and remind me of each and every ache and pain. Then, an accident 4 years ago, meant my physical mobility decreased again, resulting in my questioning my future. I can choose to live comfortably, and happily as a fat, un-fit, older woman and, perhaps, pass from this life in another 10-15 years, or I can step up the work to change that, and potentially have many more years to explore this Universe – this beautiful Reality that holds so much knowledge, and mystery.
I spoke in my last blog about making a commitment to Self, and when you get right down to it, I am looking at making a “Do-or-Die” commitment. My Teacher reminded me this morning of my deep-felt need to study; that I have expressed a desire, and commenced the work, to dig deeper into that world of Energy, Frequency, Vibration. I want to learn from the Masters and use that knowledge to colour my world and the world around me – and to do this I need to have all my tools available to me – my physicality as well as emotional, mental and spiritual aspects.
And as I write this, it appears that I have made that commitment, that Vow to Self. Of course, I’m totally knackered after spending just 10 minutes on the treadmill, followed by a few ballet exercises, stretching, Tai Chi and some balance work.
Right now it feels good, but I do wonder how hard it is going to be to get out of bed tomorrow!