A few months ago, my spiritual Teacher asked me a question:
Who are you without your wounds?
Essence Ka tha’ras
The wounds she was asking about were the things that have happened in my life that have had a negative effect on me. Childhood events that have coloured my point of view of me! Trauma, PTSD and a whole gamut more!
For the past eight years, I have been working to understand me from a spiritual perspective, after all, despite two breakdowns and daily severe panic attacks, I seemed to have fallen through every crack there is when it comes to mental health care.
I’ve always felt like an alien in this world; an outsider who didn’t fully participate but simply watched and observed. Someone who only seemed able to fully BE when I stood up on a stage to teach.
And so I have been delving into the shadow work. Looking into that dark mirror and working out how to change things for the better.
Actually I have been changing things for a long time, but most of that work was simply preparation. Like seeds planted, I needed to wait until I was ready to take the deep dive – and before I could even do that, I had to know why I felt so alien in my own skin.
I think best by writing – so I wrote. And this is why I have been so quiet on this blog. I ended up writing a book about this journey which was finally published yesterday. I didn’t write it in the hope that I would sell a million copies and gain fame and fortune; I wrote it simply for me. And if anyone reads the book and gains inspiration to seek out those parts of themselves that they do not want to carry through the rest of their lives, then that is a beautiful bonus.
I discovered a lot about me and how I live in this world. I already knew that I have total multi-sensory aphantasia, but in my research I learned that I am also autistic and have Severely Deficient Autobiographical Memory (SDAM). I also have anauralia and prosopagnosia. Together, I simply call these things my ‘wonky wiring.’
If you are at all curious, you can find out more by seeking out the book on Amazon. It’s available in paperback and e-book formats.
When you know that your mind doesn’t work in the same way that other people’s minds appear to work, you have a choice. You can either ignore it and get on with life, or you can worry away at it trying to find an answer. Either way you, and probably those around you, are going to be impacted. Most of my life I did my best to ignore it – what I don’t know about my differences won’t bother me. Until I realised that they did.
People – especially my family – consider me weird and crazy, and this doesn’t really bother me much. Sometimes it can be hurtful, but generally I’ve been quite happy to have the mantle of ‘weirdness’ thrown over me and, until recent years, I thought that it was because I have interests that no-one else in my family are even remotely interested in. However, a few years ago my life was impacted in an extremely distressing way and I began my journey to discover what it is that makes my mind appear to work in a different way to what I can observe in those around me. I needed to sort out what it was about me that brought about a particular situation that almost pushed me over the edge during a time when I was already teetering. What is it that makes me ‘weird’ in the eyes of my family.
I had considered that I could be on the Autism Spectrum, did some tests and yes, this is, apparently, “significantly” likely. Would it make the slightest bit of difference in my life if I went and had a full diagnosis? Nope. Not when I am in my 60’s! It’s far more valuable that children can be diagnosed and receive the help that will assist them move through this strange world. So that was pushed to the back of the list.
The first real ‘difference’ came to light a few years ago when I was studying for my Diploma in Meditation Therapy and Holistic Counselling. I discovered that visualising an item in your mind’s eye isn’t just a metaphor – most people really can ‘see’ things in their mind’s eye. I’ve since discovered that it varies a lot. Some people just see something hazy; some in almost a cartoon fashion. Some people see as clearly as if they were looking at the item with their physical eyes and some people can even manipulate the image in their mind – they can turn it around and look at it from a different direction, they can zoom in and out, and more. That was (please forgive the pun) a bit of an eye-opener! What I see most of the time (there have been a few exceptions) is black overlaid with a golden mist.
With this discovery, so much was explained. Further delving, taking some tests, becoming involved with research in Australia, UK, USA and Canada and I came to realise that the majority of people can also really ‘hear’ that song playing in their head; they can look back at their memories and see the face of a loved one in their minds-eye, hear their voice, re-create their smell or the touch of their hair. I can’t do any of those things because I have multi-sensory (total) aphantasia.
Does aphantasia complicate life, or could it possibly even aid it in some way? Not really. Aphants get along quite happily not knowing what we haven’t realised. Our minds have learned to sort out other ways to deal with memory and other topics that the majority of people use mental visualisation to deal with; but as most of us are born with this condition it’s just something we are used to. Some folk though have to deal with suddenly losing these skills due to trauma. That has to be really tough!
I read up on aphantasia, delved into me trying to work out all the quirks and found that I now have a better understanding of why I do things in certain ways. But it didn’t answer all my questions. It turns out that I am not the only aphant with a totally rotten memory.
About 4% of the population has aphantasia to some degree, but it is only 0.8% of people who have total aphantasia, and many aphants also have something called SDAM – Severely Deficient Autobiographical Memory which refers to a lifelong inability to vividly recollect or re-experience personal past events from a first-person perspective. I only discovered this a few days ago and after reading some research documents, taking an on-line test (as with aphantasia, SDAM is a relatively newly recognised syndrome and so far there is no definitive test available) and joining a support group, I believe that this might fill in the rest of my gaps.
SDAM is not a brain disease, rather, it refers to the lifelong inability to mentally relive or re-experience personal past events It is where there are some differences in the brain structure and function, mainly in the right hippocampus.
And that brings me to now. Would being diagnosed with SDAM make any differences in my life? Nope, but in a world where many people have considered me “weird and crazy” it would be a relief to be able to have a name that helps me explain my craziness to me. I really don’t care what my family or others think, but I would like to know what it is that makes me feel as if my thought processes are not the same as most other people.
So many loved ones have left my life. Husband, parents, daughter, grandchildren, friends, people who have meant a lot to me; people I love. And I cannot see any of their faces. I cannot describe them. I cannot ‘hear’ their voice, ‘feel’ or ‘smell’ their hair or skin. I have no memories of what we did together – unless some outside source such as a photo, or a relevant topic in conversation triggers the opening of a ‘file’ stored somewhere in my soul and allows the information to come forward.
Right now I am on a Journey. A Journey to discover Who I Am. I may not be able to vividly re-live the various traumas and dramas of my life, but the emotional aspect of these is still very easily brought to life. It’s time to allow these things to be fully released. I need to move away from them and I am seeking who I, Auri’An, may be without the weight of the load I have carried for 67 years. I know that many people I know will not be able to see the connection of me working out the “whys” in order to be able to let go… but chalk it up to my weirdness. It makes sense to me.
Imagine a tree. Do you see the trunk, the branches, the leaves?
Do you see them moving in the wind?
Do you see things in your mind’s eye? Most people do, some of them very vividly, but about 1% of the population doesn’t see anything in their mind’s eye and I’m one of that 1%. It’s called Aphantasia. A lot of people with Aphantasia don’t see anything at all when they close their eyes – just a blank field, although in my case, I do see something – I see Energy. It’s like a golden swirling mist and over the past few years, coupled with gifts of Clairsentience and Claircognisance, I have come to understand that it holds a beautiful and unique ‘language’.
I have “total aphantasia.” That means that I not only don’t see things in my mind’s eye, but I also am not able to replicate in my mind other senses like sound, taste, touch. One of the trickiest things is that I don’t have much of an “internal dialogue.” That one only really came to my attention a few weeks ago when I discovered that most people apparently have this sort-of running conversation going on in their heads. Unless I specifically want to think of something, my mind is generally quiet. Which, in many ways, is really good because I am not a person who likes noise!!
Why is this important? Well, it’s not, except that it helps me to understand why my brain seems to work differently to other people. Why I have problems with memory and why one of the skills I love most is my ability to pour words and stories onto my computer seemingly from nowhere and with absolutely no thought. I’ve always said that I can organise my thoughts better when I’m typing – I type at 90wpm so I’ve assumed that it was simply that hand-writing was too slow. It also explains why my Spiritual Teacher can give me a question to ponder, and then I will then give absolutely no further thought about that question until I ‘know’ it’s the right time. Then I sit at my computer and let the words flow. Much as is happening right now. I’ve laughed for many years at how when someone asks me to write a reference or to help them with a tricky letter, I can appear to be doing absolutely nothing about it for a few days and then… there it is. I’ve joked for years that I must be working subliminally – and it seems I may be right.
My teacher asked me a question the other day. She invited me, when looking at this question, to consider the first thing that pops into my mind and then to move out of my mind and stretch the concept. The question? Why are we here?
Now, that is definitely a question that requires thought. I sat on it for a day. In my usual way I seemed to be giving it absolutely no consideration, then, under the cover of the running water of my shower I started to think on this in a way (outside of typing) that works for me – I vocalise. I think out-loud. I talk to the tiles on my shower wall. It’s amazing how much clarity you can gain when you do that!
Am I going to tell you what came up for me. No. Not yet anyway, other than to say that when, with my Teacher, I went deeper into these thoughts, the conversation became very enlightening both from a personal perspective and for the Collective.
Topics such as this question, Yugen, Wu Wai, Melding Spirituality into physical 3D life and much more could be discussed at our next IKoK Chat on Zoom. Do you want to miss out??? No? Then I invite you to join us on Friday, 22nd October at 8.00pm CDT (if you are in the US). That’s Saturday 23rd October at 11.00am AEST is you are, like me, in Australia, but please, check your local time. You can register for this free live event by going to the IKoK Facebook page where you’ll find all the information you need. There’s a link below for that page.
Hope to see you there Don’t forget – Flip the Fear, Find the Bling
Don’t forget to Like and to Subscribe so that you don’t miss future posts. Thank you for reading.
The International Koalition of Krones (IKoK) is an international group of Spiritually Awakened Wise Women whose goal is to assist the Collective in it’s continued Spiritual Awakening & Consciousness Expansion Journey during this time on Earth referred to as “The Great Awakening”
The Founder of the IKoK, Essence Ka tha’ras, is, amongst many other things, a Master Metatronic Numerologist. If you wish to explore her work, and the work of the IKoK, there are links below.
There are also You Tube and Soundcloud links to the full IKoK Chats if you wish to know more about the work we do.