Pelican came calling a couple of years ago with information for humanity as a whole – and for us as individual aspects of that Collective.  We should be aware that when Pelican comes into our lives, we really need to have a good look at what should be reviewed in our personal life, and in our opinions about what is happening in the world around us. 

Pelican floats along, looking as if it is effortless, but under the water she is working.  Paddling.  It’s not a frantic work.  She looks confident and serene.  When she spots a fish she simply tips in her bill and scoops it up.   In our human world that means working in the NOW for what you want the future to look like, for the abundance you know should be available for everyone, for the Love and Serenity of a peaceful society; but storms do sometimes happen and if you hit those darker patches of water, you can get sucked in, becoming emotionally attached to the darkness that can be projected.  To get out of those darker waters, you need to work hard.   And you need the assistance of family.

Pelican encourages us to go deep into Self.  Often, by looking deeply at what you believe is happening in your world, and at your physical, emotional and spiritual health, you will most likely find that something in your life is out of whack; off kilter.  Something has a sense of ‘wrongness’ about it.

Pelican encourages us to observe with intent, and with patience, so that we can discover a deeper understanding of Self and a knowledge of where balance is needed.  To do this, explore your current life, where you stand in your beliefs, and feel into where in your body – which chakras – the emotions reside.  By being aware this way, you can work out what needs to be reviewed and probably in what manner.  For example, if something you do every day causes you pain in your throat, you can be pretty sure that you need to look deeper.   It may be that something about that task is uncomfortable, but you feel you can’t talk about it. Be aware that this work is not just for you as an individual, although that’s very important, but also for you as an integral part of the Collective Consciousness of Humanity.

Remember – the past is in the past and cannot be changed.  The way to travel forward is together, as family, and we should remember that to maintain unity within family, we need Trust, Dependability, Loyalty, Generosity, Humility and, occasionally, Sacrifice. 

The future you envisage when you look around you, can be achieved for the benefit of all with co-operation and an understanding that we can’t travel alone.  We need a support system.  We need family.

Pelican is about family.  The three that visited me were two adults and a youngster.  Pelican is about social responsibility, teamwork, generosity, friendliness.  With your family around you – and that can be your physical or your spiritual family – there is no need to sacrifice yourself in always helping others.  In always being the one to step up and sort things out.  Allow others to help you out.  To make things easier. 

I had three Pelicans visit with this message.  The Metatronic Numerology I AM Keyword Phrase for the number 3 is: I AM Joyful Creation.

We need to be looking towards creating the future we want with Joy in our hearts.  At the moment there are many people – Starseeds/Lightworkers included – who seem to have forgotten this.  The basic Law of Attraction.  The Energy you put out is what you will get back.  If you focus on the darker side of what is happening in the world, the darker energy is what will be there in abundance.  I’m talking about the fear, the anger, the distrust and confusion.  Even if your intention is good, that focus provides energy to the darker aspect. 

Learn to flip the narrative.  Seek the good.  Create the Joy.   Don’t feed the darkness.   Seek the Balance in doing the work you feel you need to do, but don’t put so much of your Energy into projects that suck you dry.  If the work you are doing is not joyously creative – look at how you can make it so.  And if it cannot be flipped then have a good look at where that heavy Energy is pointing.

When Pelican chooses to fly, she simply releases any fish in her bill and with a bit of a run, up she goes. There is something serene and magical about Pelican skimming over the water and landing with barely a splash to float, seemingly unworried about anything.  We need to emulate her by releasing what weighs us down.

Learn to accept the help of family and other members of your society.  Learn to relax – taking a step back helps you to see the bigger picture.  Release your Ego – this can often be the weight that stops you from working harmoniously with others.  And stops you from flying.

Think about Pelican, when you need to understand when you can safely float along and when you need to review what is holding you down. Especially, when you want to fly!


The other day, I was driving into town and I noticed two Straw-necked Ibis.  The first two arrivals for the cooler months here in the Far North of Queensland, Australia. 

The arrival of the Ibis reminded me of the Journey of Discovery I took a couple of years ago with my Spiritual Sister and Teacher, Essence Ka tha’ras as we travelled through time and dimensions, unravelling the message of Ibis.

As we approach the ending of the pandemic, I share again the journey and the message of June 2020.  With the information we received almost 2 years ago, I’m not really surprised that Ibis has returned to remind us of this message at this time.

IBIS – 20200606

It’s funny how knowledge can come to you.  With all the happenings in the world and falling deep into the emotions that are involved in the Krone Message I have for you this week, I didn’t really even notice that Spirit hadn’t told me which animal had a message for us. 

Then, I was talking to Essence about the beautiful view I have from my computer and I mentioned that the previous night, just on sunset, I’d been sitting at the bottom of the garden right on the edge of the beach just unwinding from the day, and that I realised that I didn’t have an animal message.  At the time, there were hundreds of flying foxes overhead, and I wondered if Bat was our messenger, but I knew that wasn’t right.  Then I mentioned that I had also seen 13 Ibis fly overhead, in echelon.  Essence voiced the knowledge just as I was given the nudge that Ibis is the Animal who is joining us today.

Ibis had a message that contains so many threads, so many messages, that I needed Essence’s knowledge, and wisdom (especially regarding Metatronic Numerology) to be able to unravel this information.

And so, here is the message from Ibis.  I’m quite sure that I will miss something but I’m equally sure that Essence will fill in any gaps!!

Ibis didn’t give me a direct message to pass to you all.  At least not at first.   This time it was about going on a journey of discovery.  Of following the trail, finding the links.  A detective story, and we started, because it’s all about the Energy – the frequency, with the Metatronic Numerology of 13 Ibis who happened to fly over my head on that evening.  

Now, I’m not going to go into all the frequencies – that’s not my forte, but what I will say is that the first information was about Creation and Fertility.  About Communication, Transition and Trust.

Our journey then led us to Australia (which is where I live after all) where native symbolism told us that it might be time to take another path, to change direction.  Both Essence and I laughed at that – we are both in such a situation! Ibis is letting us know that we are able to move forward because we have the support of others behind us. 

We were next led to Ancient Egypt where the Ibis is associated with male energy, with wisdom, knowledge and writing.  With administration and government. Ibis also heralds the flood which was an interesting connection as we also tracked Ibis back to Atlantis where she represents the Priestesshood – the feminine.  It was the Priesthood at the end of the 2nd kingdom of Atlantis that was involved in the manipulation of human DNA and that lead us to today’s world and a direct connection to the cell receptors involved in COVID.

That long, evolving journey following the trail of Ibis, is ultimately telling us that we need to work co-operatively in groups.  That we need the diversity, thoughts and ideas that come by mixing with others.  That we need to expand and explore – building on solid foundations.  We were also told of 20 days of waiting for Ibis lessons to come into play and a further 3-6 weeks for the new developments to really take hold. 

As we continued on this really interesting journey of discovery we found the final pieces of the Ibis puzzle – the frequencies that sang of foundations and cornerstones, and we found the final message.

Right now, Ibis is with us.  You can see Ibis influence almost every major place you look.  She’s there is the beautiful ring of fire currently surrounding Venus as she transitions the Sun.  We have just stepped into the Great Galactic Alignment with the centre of Laniakea – our Universe….  not just our Galaxy… and Ibis is there.    And the recent discovery that the black hole at the centre of our Galaxy is moderated by magnetic forces – especially interesting as we are right at the start of our Galaxy traversing the Magellanic Clouds for the first time since before there was humans on this planet.  If you look at the structure of those magnetic forces at the centre of our galaxy – you see the shape of Ibis’ face.

Ibis is the Most Important Medicine that you need to take away from here and you need to work with.  Ibis will be here to work with us, with the Collective Consciousness of Humanity for at least another 3 months and the work of Ibis is to be of use in helping the Collective to re-balance; and the direct connection to assistance in the re-creating and re-structuring of the Global Society that will come about on the other side of this global pandemic.

The Power of Manifestation

Several years ago, I heard about the power of manifestation… 

At the time I’d set up a pretty full-on gym in the garage.  I’m an ex-fitness fanatic and was working hard to recover after illness.  I’d hop on the treadmill and as I was walking, I’d think about the things that could make my life perfect. 

I never did fall for the bunkum of manifesting a new car, money in the bank, an over-seas holiday etc. – there are so many things wrong with that train of thought – but it did get me thinking about how I would like my life to look in the future.  I knew, even in those early days of my spiritual journey, that you can wish and pray and talk all you want, but if you are not prepared to put in the hard-yakka, nothing is going to materialise out of thin air.  I knew that if I wanted these things in my life, I had to do my fair share of the manifesting.  Source, God, Spirit (whatever name you prefer) was not going to just drop stuff into my lap because I really, really, really want it!

I ended up with a fairly short list, and I walked for hours on that treadmill as I spoke that list out loud.  It was like chanting.  The words timed to the rhythm of the steps I took.  I had to walk miles each session because I also felt the need to explain exactly why each point was important; how I, specifically, wanted each thing to look; why I didn’t want too much of each good thing – da da da…. 

Moving forward…. 

About a month or so ago, I realised that something was really weird.  I was in a very strange state of mind and it took me a while to work it out.  I am happy. 

I can honestly say that I can count on one hand the times I have felt this happy.  The birth of my daughter over 40 years ago.  The birth of my eldest grandchild 18 years ago.  Very, very few other times.  It took me a while to work out why, but almost all of those things I wanted in my life as I walked on that treadmill, are here.  The reality isn’t how I envisaged things to turn out, but they are the reality I now live in.  And it is good.

A good example:  At the time, many people told me that if I was going to ask for money in my manifestation hopes, ask for a lot.  Don’t be stingy.  Go for the Big Bucks!  Me?  That didn’t sit comfortably.  I just wanted enough so that I could pay my bills and have a little left over so I could save up for small luxuries.  What came about is that I am now an Aged Pensioner.  I have a regular income of about half of the breadline wage and which has very little room for fluff – but, my bills are paid, I share a wonderful house on the water (another of my desires) at (almost unbelievable in today’s world) a rent I can afford. 

I sought good health, as I walked that treadmill.  Good health is a very relative thing.  If I look at my point of view from 25 years ago when I was at the top of my game, I’m a wreak!  If I look at my health from the point of view of my doctor telling my that the periods of paralysis are going to get worse and I won’t ever be pain free so I should start to use a wheelchair, my current health is fantastic!  It’s just a matter of how you look at things in your life.

These things that have brought about a fulfillment in my life, and this strange and wonderful feeling of contentment and happiness, didn’t come about because of the chanting as I walked that treadmill, they came about because I put in the hard work.  They came about because I did my damn best to look for the bling in every dark corner – and I have been well-challenged in that arena – and not allowed myself to wallow (at least not for long) in despair.

One of the things I asked for was time to look after me, to do the things I want to do and not be at everyone’s beck and call.  I’m one of those people who has a very strong need to help others – and it’s caused me no end of problems because it’s often been at the expense of having time to look after me.    The isolation periods of the last couple of years has been a blessing in disguise for me as it highlighted a need to withdraw from the addiction of social media, to pull back from trying to set up classes and workshops aimed at helping others deal with their anxiety, fear etc.  It was time to STOP.  So I did.  And there it was – time to do the work on ME.

On this Spiritual path I have done the hard work that has brought me to this point in my growth.  I am currently in the midst of a shift where I can choose to step up and take that work further.  Where I can study, dig even deeper into the Energies of this beautiful world we call home.  Or I can sit back and feel good about where I have arrived.  A place of reasonable comfort with enough funds to pay my bills – and that feeling of happiness!

I understand the value of pushing things a bit further.  Dramas that many of us face can definitely push you out of your comfort zone during the early stages of this life-journey, and maybe, as I travel further, my comfort zone will be rocked a few more times.  Somehow, I don’t believe that the drama of my life up to now will continue at that intensity.  I am aware that as drama appears, I have a choice.  It is my reaction that causes the problems.  Hopefully I’ve learned enough that I can make the wise choices.

Do I believe in the power of manifestation?  You betcha I do.  But not at the level of ask / pray / focus hard enough and it will materialise like magic.  No.  You have to do the hard work.  The work on Self – physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and the practical work of having a goal to aim for – and going after it.  You have to decide what is realistic and what isn’t.  It’s the adult version of the mother telling the child that ‘Just because you want it, it doesn’t mean you can have it!”

Symphony of Sorrowful Songs

I saw a post on Facebook asking people “what kept you alive when nothing seem able to save you”.  That post triggered a memory of me, in my office, not long after my husband had passed on, sitting at the computer, headphones on and the volume really loud so that I didn’t have to listen to, or deal with, any of the crap going on around me. 

Symphony of Sorrowful Songs by Gorecki was one of only two things that kept me on this earth when my husband died.  It starts so softly and gently that you don’t really hear anything for the first 2 minutes, and then it just builds and builds.

I’ve you’ve not listened to this, the title may be enough to make you wonder why, when you are feeling at the absolute bottom of the dung hill would you want to wallow in deep, dark music?  Those who turn to music to help them get through the hard times will understand – the music you listen to can be a reflection of the emotions you have rolling through you when are either unable to fully express those emotions, or have pushed them down so deep that you can’t express them.  It’s like doing mirror work; delving deep knowing that once you hit rock bottom, the only way is up. 

When you find that one track and you keep playing it over and over again, you may start to recognise the beauty and grace in the flow of the melody and you find that even though the music almost always brings tears, they are cleansing.  This was my ‘bling’ in one of the dark times of my life.  I literally wallowed in this music for several months.  It became like a drug, and without it I could not exist.  It seemed to be the only thing around me that reflected back the emotions I tried to hide from the world and that often threatened to drown me.

Symphony of Sorrowful songs by Gorecki is like a sunrise over the ocean.  Living in the darkness is not comfortable.  It can be scary, especially when the future is unknown, but like the sunrise, this music guides you through your personal dark nights and shows you a promise of peace.

Sunrise from my garden – Auri’An

As you listen, there is the quiet expectation of the time before the first hint of light becomes visible.  The darkest place.  It’s quiet.  So quiet and deep that you barely register the sound, but bit by bit like the pre-dawn glow of the sunrise, the music starts to infiltrate, it starts to make itself known to your awareness.

It’s heavy, dark, and it feels like a very familiar reflection of the darkness and struggle in your own heart.  But like that sunrise, it keeps coming on in waves that bring the inevitable lifting of the darkness.  As the waves of music swell, for a moment you recognise the emotion that you hold under tight control, so that to others, you show not the sadness that is your constant companion, but rather your hard-won strength, and that even though you may be struggling right now, you will survive this.   It is a recognition of how you get through your day – the heaviness pushed to the background and overlaid with something lighter that allows you to do what you need to do in order to simply exist. 

And still this music climbs, bringing the Energy from your Root Chakra, through Sacral, Solar Plexus and coming up to your Heart Chakra, bringing the promise of eventual Peace.  Your heart rate starts to slow and, as with the sound of the ocean waves, you allow the music to wash over you, relaxing physical tension, washing away the false-front you hold like a shield against the world, and allowing a release of emotion.

Then the sun peaks over the horizon – a moment of stillness, before the Soprano voice joins in and so perfectly expresses what is in your heart, building and building until you feel almost overwhelmed.  The waves of Energy keep climbing and you recognise the cycles that occur in life: the humdrum repetitions that sometimes provide a lifeline; the almost-too intense times when you simply don’t know what to do and you just exist through the tempest; the quieter times where you can pause and take a breath.  These cycles?  They are Life.    The sun is risen.

In writing this, I sat and listened to this music for the first time in years.  Those life cycles have moved on and although there has been much drama, pain and loss, there has also been much joy and love and laughter.  Life has been lived.  I still feel the sunrise in this music and as it builds and grows it takes me to different heights.  I have a different starting-point – I’m no longer in the well of despair and am not listening from the dark depths of grief.  I still feel it in my Heart Chakra, but this is where it starts, not where it grows to.  That promise of peace has been realised and I am now feeling deeper into the emotion of the composer.  I don’t know his story, but this piece was written from the heart.  And it is beautiful.

This is a link to this album. I’d love to hear your thoughts…..

Cycles and Bridges

WordPress (the host for this site) has raised a challenge for bloggists to incorporate the theme of ‘bridge’ into their work.  @WordPrompt  Here are my thoughts….

When you think of a bridge, most people reading this would think of a structure that gets you over an obstacle such as a river, a train-track or a road.  Me?  I think in terms of Energy – the Energy of our planet and the Collective Consciousness of Humanity.  Specifically, I am thinking of where the Collective is currently standing on that bridge between worlds.  We are at the start of the bridge, right at the beginning of our journey from our Past and into our Future, and every step forward is a new step into whichever future we are choosing.  For those who are wondering what the scenery is like on the other side – who knows?  But we are actually in the process of choosing the future of humanity right now.  That’s what all this upheaval is about.  There are plenty of other people who can go into the whys and wherefores and the politics of totalitarianism and democracy, finance, control and all the other variables that we are feeling our way through – I’ve had my head in the sand for over 40 years and am so not qualified to make a judgement.

But I do know one thing – what we are doing is deciding what the future will look like for our children, and their children.  Every choice and action we take, lays down the groundwork for the future of every Being on this planet, now and for the inconceivably long future.  Are we truly going to be able to bring about a Golden Age of love and respect in a world free of greed?  Or does it appear to you that we are heading right into the dystopian worlds portrayed by the movies we watch?

We’ve had it reasonably cushy in the ‘western’ world for a few decades and we have certain expectations of living which is probably one of the reasons that makes something like a pandemic and a war that will, quite likely, touch us personally in some way, seem so traumatic – even if it’s only in the cost of fuel or the lack of toilet paper.  Yet this era that we are moving into, one of rising costs, civil unrest, pestilence, war, death and destruction, is nothing new.  It is exactly the way the world, or rather, humans, have operated since forever. 

A few days ago, I was talking with my friend and teacher, Essence Ka tha’ras, and we had one of those amazing conversations where we really dug deep into a topic.  I love these conversations.  Essence has a way of ‘tripping’ my mind into making connections I suspect I would never have otherwise made – and once made, understood and agreed that these thoughts hold a lot of Truth, they tend to stick around.  This conversation was about cycles.  Cycles of life of the individual, of the Collective, of our society as a whole.  We discussed the cycles of our planet, our Galaxy, even our Universe.  We went deep.

The result is that we saw that all the things that are happening in the world is not something that is unusual.  What is unusual is that we have had a period before this current time where we developed a different understanding of what is considered normal life.   We got used to easy living; of having plenty; of there being a surplus.  Of expecting, mainly, to die of old age.  We have given a high value to human Life.  But, if you look back through known history, there has always been war and pestilence.  It’s a horrible thought, and something I’d prefer not to think about, but these things are normal for our race. 

Things move in cycles.  We know this.  Most of us only have to look at our own lives to see the repeating patterns.  We work at breaking free of those patterns, of transmuting our darker threads into bright lights.  But what if we are not so special after all, what if we are simply cogs in a wheel of the same-old-same-old cycles going around and around?  What if that dystopian future is part of the pattern?  Think about it. 

Think of the wars in our own living memory and just beyond: WW1 and WW2; Vietnam, Korea, the Boer War, the Crimea, Afghanistan, Bosnia, Iraq, Palestine, Africa….   The list is never-ending.  Now think of ‘pestilences’ – Covid is not so bad compared to smallpox, aids, mumps, polio, the Spanish flu and the one I personally survived – bird flu.  That one had a 68% mortality rate.  As I said – Covid is small-fry next to some of these. 

Expand again and think of all the wars and conflicts you read about in school, that you watch movies about.  Think about the Empires that have risen up and have fallen – Rome, Greece, Mongolia, China, Egypt.  Then go back further into racial memory – Atlantis, Lemuria….  Who knows if there were any civilisations before then?  I don’t, but I would not be surprised to discover that these too were simply part of the cycles of life on this planet.

There is no denying that we are a violent race and right now it’s obvious that in this very uncomfortable time in our history, we are experiencing the long drawn-out death of one ‘empire’ and on the other side of that bridge is another empire waiting to be birthed.

Currently this next ‘Empire’ looks to be anything but comfortable.  It may be that, like our racial memories tell us, not a whole lot of us will survive this transition.  We may have been well-trained to obey and find that life, where everything is controlled, is something that suits us well; we may have to drop a lot further down the spiral before we stand and say, “I don’t want my children’s future to look like this”.

Currently our galaxy is at a point of change in the Precession, and we do have the opportunity to choose which path we will take into the future.  Which bridge to cross, and the potential problem here is that whichever way the Collective chooses, we are going to be there for the next part of the Precession – somewhere around 13,000 years.  We need to choose well. 

The cycle of birth, growth, decay and death is normal.  It’s normal for individuals, Empires, planets and beyond.  What is happening is nothing new.

As Essence summed it up: 

“There’s nothing wrong.  There’s nothing to fix.  This is just the Tao”.

Essence Ka tha’ras


It is said that we are all Creators. Certainly we are the creators of the life we are living. Whether you perceive your life as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ your choices contributed to where you find yourself today. I’ve made some tough choices in the past and, in retrospect, a lot of them have not been the wise choices. In many ways my life has not been balanced, and that has shown up in the situations I have found myself in, and however much I want to blame others, in the end it comes down to the reality that the choices I made affected the life I live.

The same is true for the Collective. We put people into power around our world who are making their own choices with regards to how we all travel through these difficult times. It doesn’t matter whether you are pro-this or anti-that, we all – as in the vast majority of individuals who are each a single thread in the Collective Consciousness of Humanity – have made choices over the past 50 years, 100 years and longer, that have brought us to this point in linear time. We are responsible for the choices we make. Each choice affects the road we travel into our future, and just as the choices our grandparents and parents made affected the life we came into, so to will our choices affect those who follow after us.

I am currently in a personal period of choice – a choice to remain where I am, getting older, fatter, slower, using past injury and current aches as an excuse not to fully getting my health back on track, and not stimulating my curiosity and mental agility, or I can choose to take a different path.

The easiest choice by far is the first option. For that I need do nothing more than I am currently doing. I will be comfortable and I will probably be reasonably happy. I can sit at my computer, as I am now and type my thoughts into this blog or one of the books I am (very slowly) writing; I can spend time scrolling through social media, watching You Tube and Netflix, talking with friends and volunteering in my local community. It would be a good life. It would also be a life that would bring stagnation and, probably fairly quickly, it would bring about the ending of this part of my journey through this lifetime. Yes, it could take years for my physical death to occur, but my emotional and mental bodies would wither and die a long time before my physical body.

The second choice – a different path – is by far the harder. To find out more about where I might want to go, I needed to dig down into the choices I made in the past that have brought me to this place in life. I had to do this honestly and with a mind open sufficiently to see different ways of looking at those choices. Then I needed to choose whether those past choices are still relevant, and whether I still want to carry them with me.

For example. I have always had a strong need to help other people. At times that need has driven me to make poor choices so far as Self is concerned. That need has been something of paramount importance for the last 60+ years and that made it one of the first things to delve into. One of the things I looked into is “Why is it important to help others?” And for each answer that came to the surface, I had to ask myself, “Is that reason, really the most important thing, and what are the alternatives? What if I choose to help ME for a change?”

In facing each of the various major hang-ups of my past, facing each one and choosing whether to put them into the bag of weighty stuff to carry on my back through this last third of my current existence or whether to discard them with gratitude for the experiences and lessons they gave to me – however painful or restrictive they have been, I have been able to make my choice in how I want to create my future. And it is not by sliding comfortably into my older age.

I have chosen the second path. I believe I have chosen the harder path, but also the one that will bring with it far greater rewards. I am challenging myself with something that is pretty alien for me – doing something purely for me. For me only, and with no thought of using the knowledge and skills gained on this Journey to specifically aid anyone other than me. That concept alone is a mountain to climb.

My new path has, in fact, been in my face for over a year and it is just one thing of many that triggered my need to make a choice going forward – do I follow this and see where it leads or do I stay with what is comfortable with very little room for creativity.

Creating your future by the choices you make now is powerful stuff and is not to be undertaken lightly. And I am a Creator.


One of my mottos is “Flip the Fear. Find the Bling.”

I was relaxing the other day, reading a book, when a phrase jumped out at me. It was something along the lines of “It’s the irritation caused by a single grain of sand that causes the oyster to build a pearl.”

That got me to thinking about how we react to things that irritate us.

A few years ago I got divorced. He was a great friend, loved him to pieces, but we both annoyed each other to the point where we’d mainly lived apart for about 15 years!

Once we’d decided to get divorced, he had a blast – lots of girlfriends. He also had to learn some hard lessons about being in his 70’s and dating women who were strong and independent and were not going to put up with his shit!

I’d never seen myself that way – strong and independent were not labels I would give to myself. I relished being divorced and firmly stepped away from the marriage and our joint business. Financially it was tough. Emotionally and spiritually it was amazing. With no-one to answer to, I started to make changes in how I interacted with other people, but the biggest thing was that in my 60’s I finally, for the first time in my entire life, had only me to depend upon. I had never fully been responsible for me and only me.

Yes, there was fear. And yes, I learned to deal with the fears by finding the bling.

Now, for a whole heap of reasons, my ex and I are house sharing. We are not partners, we are just friends. We have both learned a lot of life-lessons, and we now recognise that the very things that used to irritate each other are mainly gone (well – except for him wearing outdoor shoes in the house!)

Those irritations have been smoothed out, coated in a glossy sheen of greater understanding and acceptance of our individual selves. We share a house, and in the friendship and mutual support of dealing with getting older, we have found that we have built a pearl.

Why Tai Chi?

It came to me today why I am being drawn towards learning Tai Chi.

Dance has always been a strong ‘language of the body’ for me.  A way of expressing emotions that were always bottled up – even though tears were ever near the surface.  An energetic release that I could control without tears or words.

Ballet requires the ultimate control.  It takes great strength of body and mind to make movements that are so very controlled down to the smallest of muscle fibres, appear fluid.  It takes knowledge of the deepest and highest of emotions to be able to capture the emotions of the audience and make them weep or rejoice with you – without ever saying a word.

Within my fitness world it was about controlled strength.  When pushing the kind of weights I pushed, control and understanding of your body is absolutely essential in order to break the barriers you set for yourself without causing injury.  There is also a very intense mind-game in play in order to constantly push your body into giving just a tiny bit more. 

Bellydance is more of the same – or could be.  I had come to the knowledge that my body would never again attain those lofty heights previously achieved.  Body control was definitely needed in order to execute movements such as belly rolls, flutters, shimmies and balancing a sword on your head!  But with the acknowledgement that I would never be an A-level performer came relaxation and enjoyment.  For the first time, my body became an instrument that could express itself freely and without the high ideals I had set for myself within ballet and fitness.  It was fun!

With age comes reality.
These things are all of my past.  The knowledge of my body and the experiences are all still with me, but the stories are no longer important – other than they are part of what makes me me

I still need to hold my body in control.  My muscle memories demand nothing less.  I can no more slump and slouch than I could cut off my right hand, but age also has a way of taking away that intense pressure of upright, balletic stance – it hurts to maintain that now!  Injury has resulted in loss of the ability to balance that was demanded by ballet. 

I am still, very much, an analyst of movement.  I automatically break down each movement into muscles used and in what manner – isometric, eccentric or concentric.  I automatically check and adjust my posture and I cannot help but look at those around me and analyse their posture, and how that could be affecting their health and what long-term issues they are likely to experience simply because of how they stand or sit or walk.

From where I am now, embarking upon this journey, and after analysing what little I yet know of Tai Chi, I see this is a way of movement that holds the control and minutia of the muscle memory; the demand of core strength and body-balance; and the inner knowing of mind and body required by ballet and fitness, and, through these things, the bringing to the surface of one’s very soul. 

I will never be a Master of Tai Chi – I have discovered this too late in my life – but I see that, for me , it brings the discipline of body and mind that I crave, and eventually, (once I have mastered the movements), the spirit of the movements will emerge as I allow the Energy, the Qi, to flow freely through me. 

And then there is the philosophy and history to learn…   

This is a journey that will take me through the rest of my life.

I see that in Tai Chi, I will be able to relax the mental and physical control I have always moved under and allow my Soul to emerge – and not with any idealism of performance for others.  This one is for ME.


When I left school at the age of 15, my first job was as a telephonist in a motor dealer’s showroom.  There I learned of men that take great joy in embarrassing and upsetting young and innocent girls.  I left after only a few weeks.

The interview for my third job, as a typist for the Ministry of Defence, was taken sitting on the lap of the older man who was to become my boss.  There was a lot of inappropriate conversation from the men working in that office too, but by then I had learned some valuable lessons from the elderly gentleman in whose lawyer’s office I had my second job.

It was just mere days after my 16th birthday when I met Mr. D.  He was the epitome of a true gentleman.  Soft spoken, but as tough as they come.  Dressed impeccably at all times, he would hold the door even for a junior receptionist such as myself. 

The office equipment was as old as he was.  I can’t remember if my typewriter was a Royal or an Underwood but I do recall that the date was on it was 1896.  My first task was to learn how to strip it down clean it and rebuild it – a dirty task that had to be done at least once a week.  On this old, old machine I had to learn accuracy.  Whichever key you punched, hit the paper and if it was the wrong key, I had to restart the letter.  There was no room for errors in that solicitor’s office – you can’t backspace and white-out was not allowed.  Every letter had to be 100% correctly typed.  Punctuation and grammar were essential and every legal document had to be proof-read three times by three different people. 

Mr. D. also liked some ‘new inventions’ and audio typing was the next form of terror in that office.  Correspondence was recorded on a floppy disc.  Not the discs that eventually became computer storage many years later, but literally a thin, floppy, circular piece of brown plastic about the thickness of a piece of paper.  The words on the disc sounded as if they were being spoken underwater and you had to listen to everything three times before you could understand it.  The discs were supposed to be re-usable, but every new recording was layered on top of the previous and after about 10 uses was totally undecipherable!

It was here that Mr. D. decided to take me under his wing.  I can’t spell.  My best spelling score at school was three words correct out of one hundred words. From the age of 2, I was an avid reader with a large vocabulary but my mind simply cannot slow down enough to work out how to break down the words into their component parts.  As a typist I was eventually able to touch type at 90 words per minute with 100% accuracy and I came to the conclusion that my eyes saw the words and my hands typed the picture of the words.  My mind was not involved at all.  Recently, I have discovered that this is not far from the truth.  I have total aphantasia, and this affects the way I process information.

My lack of spelling skills became woefully obvious when I started audio typing.  Mr. D. was tough.  At the end of each day I was required to take into his office all the work I had done that day.  He would read through each document and if it was 100% accurate he would sign it.  If I mis-spelt a word, used a comma instead of a semi-colon, had a typing error, he would draw a line right through the document with a red pen.  Spelling errors were entered into an index book he held specifically for this.  If the same word re-appeared three times, I would have 50p deducted from my wages.  As I was only earning £4.00 a week, that represented a major deduction.  I also had to stay behind after work and re-do all the incorrect documents.  My time and My money were involved in My education!  I became a quick learner.  I learned the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’, between affect and effect, stationery and stationary and much more.

One time, tired, disheartened at a whole heap of mistakes, it became too much and I dissolved into tears.  That was when Mr. D. let me in on the reason he was so tough.  His words made such an impression on me that they have become one of the guiding lights of my life.  He taught me that everything in life is a sales job.  He was tough with me because he sensed I could travel far in this world if I could only understand my worth and show the world that I am worthy. 

He taught me that every single thought, word, deed and action needs to be done with consideration – because someone else is always watching, listening and judging.  He taught me to always think of life as a job interview, that I need to always portray myself in the best possible light, to be the impressive person I would like a future employer to see. I needed to learn to ‘sell’ myself as I wanted to be seen.

Basically, he taught me how to recognise the energy in the words we use and the things we do, almost 50 years before my Spiritual Teacher taught me the same thing.  He taught me that if I use swear words, drink excessively, smoke, disrespect my body with indiscriminate sex and drug use, then the person I hurt the most is myself.  Not only do I hurt myself, but I am also sabotaging my potential.  He asked me if I could look up to someone and trust they had my best interests at heart as a leader, guide, teacher, if they cannot even be respectful to their own Self?

I was 16, just stepping out into the wider world of the 1970’s with its sexual freedom, drug use and revolutionary music.  I was watching friends who had had babies at 13 years of age, sinking under the weight of their reality.  I had a friend with anorexia who hated herself so much she starved herself to death.  I was discovering alcohol.

Mr. D’s words made a huge impression.  To the point where I still say a-ffect and e-ffect.  To where I find I simply cannot respect someone who consistently pulls their energy down with their language use.  Yes, I have had to modify that somewhat – terms like ‘sod’ and ‘bugger’ are soft words now in this world of indiscriminate ‘f’ words and ‘c’ words coming out of the mouths of babes, and I am saddened when I hear of everyday things fucking.  “Where’s the fucking towel?” “You’re such a fucking c***”  I do occasionally have a laugh at the thought of fucking shoes or similar!

It’s not the words themselves that are troublesome even though they are ugly and do carry dense energy – it’s that these are the visible result of the lack of respect that humans have for other humans – and for their own Self.

If we cannot have respect for Self, how can we grow?

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