Who Am I?

When you know that your mind doesn’t work in the same way that other people’s minds appear to work, you have a choice.  You can either ignore it and get on with life, or you can worry away at it trying to find an answer.  Either way you, and probably those around you, are going to be impacted.  Most of my life I did my best to ignore it – what I don’t know about my differences won’t bother me. Until I realised that they did.

People – especially my family – consider me weird and crazy, and this doesn’t really bother me much.  Sometimes it can be hurtful, but generally I’ve been quite happy to have the mantle of ‘weirdness’ thrown over me and, until recent years, I thought that it was because I have interests that no-one else in my family are even remotely interested in.  However, a few years ago my life was impacted in an extremely distressing way and I began my journey to discover what it is that makes my mind appear to work in a different way to what I can observe in those around me.  I needed to sort out what it was about me that brought about a particular situation that almost pushed me over the edge during a time when I was already teetering.  What is it that makes me ‘weird’ in the eyes of my family.

I had considered that I could be on the Autism Spectrum, did some tests and yes, this is, apparently, “significantly” likely.  Would it make the slightest bit of difference in my life if I went and had a full diagnosis?  Nope.  Not when I am in my 60’s!  It’s far more valuable that children can be diagnosed and receive the help that will assist them move through this strange world. So that was pushed to the back of the list.

The first real ‘difference’ came to light a few years ago when I was studying for my Diploma in Meditation Therapy and Holistic Counselling.   I discovered that visualising an item in your mind’s eye isn’t just a metaphor – most people really can ‘see’ things in their mind’s eye.  I’ve since discovered that it varies a lot.  Some people just see something hazy; some in almost a cartoon fashion.  Some people see as clearly as if they were looking at the item with their physical eyes and some people can even manipulate the image in their mind – they can turn it around and look at it from a different direction, they can zoom in and out, and more.  That was (please forgive the pun) a bit of an eye-opener!  What I see most of the time (there have been a few exceptions) is black overlaid with a golden mist. 

With this discovery, so much was explained.  Further delving, taking some tests, becoming involved with research in Australia, UK, USA and Canada and I came to realise that the majority of people can also really ‘hear’ that song playing in their head; they can look back at their memories and see the face of a loved one in their minds-eye, hear their voice, re-create their smell or the touch of their hair.   I can’t do any of those things because I have multi-sensory (total) aphantasia. 

Does aphantasia complicate life, or could it possibly even aid it in some way?  Not really.  Aphants get along quite happily not knowing what we haven’t realised.  Our minds have learned to sort out other ways to deal with memory and other topics that the majority of people use mental visualisation to deal with; but as most of us are born with this condition it’s just something we are used to.  Some folk though have to deal with suddenly losing these skills due to trauma.  That has to be really tough!

I read up on aphantasia, delved into me trying to work out all the quirks and found that I now have a better understanding of why I do things in certain ways.  But it didn’t answer all my questions.  It turns out that I am not the only aphant with a totally rotten memory.

About 4% of the population has aphantasia to some degree, but it is only 0.8% of people who have total aphantasia, and many aphants also have something called SDAM – Severely Deficient Autobiographical Memory which refers to a lifelong inability to vividly recollect or re-experience personal past events from a first-person perspective. I only discovered this a few days ago and after reading some research documents, taking an on-line test (as with aphantasia, SDAM is a relatively newly recognised syndrome and so far there is no definitive test available) and joining a support group, I believe that this might fill in the rest of my gaps. 

SDAM is not a brain disease, rather, it refers to the lifelong inability to mentally relive or re-experience personal past events  It is where there are some differences in the brain structure and function, mainly in the right hippocampus. 

And that brings me to now.  Would being diagnosed with SDAM make any differences in my life?  Nope, but in a world where many people have considered me “weird and crazy” it would be a relief to be able to have a name that helps me explain my craziness to me.  I really don’t care what my family or others think, but I would like to know what it is that makes me feel as if my thought processes are not the same as most other people.

So many loved ones have left my life.  Husband, parents, daughter, grandchildren, friends, people who have meant a lot to me; people I love.  And I cannot see any of their faces.  I cannot describe them.  I cannot ‘hear’ their voice, ‘feel’ or ‘smell’ their hair or skin.  I have no memories of what we did together – unless some outside source such as a photo, or a relevant topic in conversation triggers the opening of a ‘file’ stored somewhere in my soul and allows the information to come forward.

Right now I am on a Journey.  A Journey to discover Who I Am.  I may not be able to vividly re-live the various traumas and dramas of my life, but the emotional aspect of these is still very easily brought to life.  It’s time to allow these things to be fully released.  I need to move away from them and I am seeking who I, Auri’An, may be without the weight of the load I have carried for 67 years.  I know that many people I know will not be able to see the connection of me working out the “whys” in order to be able to let go…  but chalk it up to my weirdness.  It makes sense to me.

If you want to discover more about Aphantasia:  www.aphantasia.com

If you want to discover more about SDAM: www.sdamstudy.weebly.com

Broken Families

Things happen in life that are wrong.  Families argue, drift apart or explode in arguments and drama.  It doesn’t matter the reason – the story. What matters is that unless people can come together and talk openly and honestly, the story will not change.  At least, not for the better.

The stories we tell ourselves about our lives and our interactions with other people are simply our perspective, and our perspective will be unbalanced if we don’t have the other side of the story.  The same tale told from another person’s perspective is very likely to be different.  Families are frequently destroyed because people cannot or will not see any perspective other than their own.  And the destruction can span generations.

Unreasonable expectations

I know a person who, was deeply in love and wanted, eventually to marry his girlfriend.  He knew he was too young at 17 and that he had mountains to climb first and so they planned and prepared.  He was a committed, organised person and he knew exactly what he wanted his world to look like, but his parents decided to move to another country and were insistent that the young man abandon all his plans, and his fiancé, and go with them. 

The family argued.  The parents forbade their son to remain in the country where his life was laid out.  He had a place at university, a girlfriend he knew was a soul mate and even the opportunity of work once university was completed.  He didn’t want to give up his planned and hoped for future for the unknown, without his girlfriend, and in a new country.

The parents did everything in their power to make him go with them.  They told all their extended family not to give their son a place to stay.  They thought that without a home he would be forced to accompany them.

The son stood his ground; emancipated himself from his family. 

They didn’t listen – so they couldn’t understand

The parents didn’t take time to listen to why their son wanted to remain and just tried to bull-doze him into complying without ever explaining why.  The son, overwhelmed and distressed by his parents’ apparent disregard for what he wanted to do, walked away from his parents and his brothers and sisters.   Neither party stopped to really talk about what was in their hearts.  None of them truly listened and, as a result, there was little hope of moving forward with love and understanding.  They were each trying to impose their own desires on the other.

The parents eventually grew old and died.  The son too died, and now younger generations are left with a wound that they do not understand because they were not part of the original story. 

This rift started over 50 years ago has now reached down to affect the fourth generation.  This is a Ancestral Karmic Imbalance.  It takes different forms with each generation, but the original Energy is there – and it can be equally destructive. 

It can be righted by simply, and openly, by listening to the story – from every perspective – and then allowing the healing to take place.

Better still, when faced with a question, look at all sides and listen to all the stories. Be prepared to allow that your way may not be the best way or the only way.

I Believe…

I was thinking about Queen Elizabeth II and the news of her passing, and how I had ‘met’ her when I was a teenager.  Actually, I hadn’t really met her, as in having a personal conversation or a handshake,  I’d just been one in a crowd of people when she came to our town to launch a boat, but I’d been in close enough proximity to think of it as having met her.

As I was thinking of her, I was reminded of a particular client I had seen last month.  My mind can make connections that probably seem rather weird to a lot of people… but, it’s how my mind works, and it jumped to an oracle card reading I’d done at our local UFO Festival.  It was a strange and difficult reading, and afterwards, he told me his story.  He’d been abducted by aliens. 

Now, what on earth could connect the late Queen of England and some guy in Australia who believed himself abducted by aliens?  The connection was actually a thought about how some meetings can just slip by and be forgotten, yet others can have a life-long profound effect on you and on your beliefs.

My belief that I’d met the Queen was an embellishment I’d chosen over 50 years ago because, at the time , I thought it gave me some status. Yes, it had some truth to it – I had been part of the crowd reasonably close around her, but it was not until a couple of days ago when I heard of her passing that I went “Hang on. Did I really meet her?” So I looked into that belief I discovered that it simply is no longer my truth.

The guy who believed he had been abducted had undergone a profound change because of his experience.  It became the pivotal point in his life.  Some people will scoff and think he’s off his rocker, but it is his belief and should be respected as just that.  I too have had a similar experience and firmly believe that the 7 or 8 hours that I lost one summer’s day in 1980 is very connected to a sighting of what I called a massive metal Toblerone that I saw parked in a field.  Some people will also think that’s nuts, and there are times when I do too, but it’s my belief that this happened although it didn’t have such a profound effect on me as that similar experience did for my client. 

From there, I started to think about other experiences that I have had that completely changed my life.  Many of them are of the ‘woo-woo’ variety, with the one which had the most profound effect being what I term my Initial Awakening Experience.  Some folk would think that I suffered a psychotic break, and that is entirely possible from one point of view.  Everything in my life around that time points to that possibility, but I believe that it was an intense spiritual experience that has driven my life forward in a way that can only be termed as positive.  I found a belief that is so strong it cannot be moved and that belief has driven me to learn how to understand what makes me tick.  It’s helped me overcome decades of severe pain, auto-immune disorders, and more dramas and trauma than should be allowed to fill any one life.  It is the driving force behind my life and I cannot see that changing.  Psychotic break or actual spiritual experience is totally irrelevant.  It has brought positive change into my life and for that I feel blessed to have experienced it.

We all hold beliefs and it’s entirely probable that most of our beliefs only matter to us.  Those beliefs may be spiritual in nature or based on life experiences.  They may have a profound effect on your life, or they may add to the traumas that you carry.  Whatever they are, they shape your world and it is a good idea to bring them out every now and then, dust them off and review them.  Are they beliefs that I still need to carry around with me, or are they no longer really true and can be released?  Do they affect me in a positive or a negative way?  Do they encourage me to grow as a human or do they hold me back?

When did you last take a good long look at your beliefs?  Not just the biggies but also the ones that have a limiting response in your life?  The “I’m afraid of moths/heights/dogs/my boss” type of beliefs.  Write yourself a list and then ask yourself why you hold these and is it time to change them. 


A few days ago, I did some introspective work and came to the conclusion that I am in a waiting zone.  I have arrived at a point in my life that I have been seeking for a very long time.  A time where I can follow my own desire to begin some serious Spiritual study.  But what exactly do I want to study? What in particular do I want to deeply explore? I have no idea.

I’ve actually been in this drifting mode since the start of Covid when I began to move away from social media.  I used to spend hours on Face Book every day – with the International Koalition of Krones, my groups and pages and self-help courses and, as I pulled right back, I also berated myself for abandoning my media presence.  

It was time to sit back and have a good look into why I needed to build a media presence and discovered that constantly sharing things with the public – even in the belief that I was helping others, was nothing more than an addiction, and my Ego.  The work I want to do is for me. For my knowledge and growth – at least, initially. To do this work, I do not need to perform a song-and-dance routine for the world. I need quiet time, and this is my time of quietness.

What to study?  That is the big question.  In my life I have explored many things which have become passions, and almost all of which I have ended up teaching: ballet, fitness, writing, belly dancing, weaving – but I know that this time I need to dig into the knowledge desired by my soul.  I know that part of my soul journey is to gain knowledge and information that I can take forward into other incarnations and not necessarily knowledge that I will teach.  The imperative to begin that learning is strong, yet I am still in this waiting-zone.

Right now I am exploring Taoism – and finding it fascinating.  I am learning Tai Chi.  I’m also reading other great Teachers such as Neville Goddard, Manly P. Hall and Ram Dass but so far the topic that excites me and will guide me into the depth of knowledge I desire to gain, has eluded me. 

I did that introspective digging into Self I mentioned earlier, to gain greater clarity of where I currently am: physically, mentally and emotionally, then I entered into meditation to seek the spiritual depths to this knowledge.  In that meditation, my guides brought this forward.

Sometimes you have to drift with the winds of change.

Pushing against the storm is not productive.

Be aware of the currents.

This message tells me that drifting with the winds of change (and I am definitely within a process of change) is exactly what I need to do right now.  Drift, and I should not allow frustration at being without definite direction to grow, although to be honest, currently, that frustration is very mild, and I’m rather enjoying the drifting process.

This message was also interesting because it reminded me of a very important lesson I had learned 5 years ago when it was essential that I move to a new town and I really didn’t want to.  I fought hard not to go, yet it turned out the be one of the very best things in my life at that time.  Sometimes you need to accept that you might be ready to change the world, but the Universe has to get things ready first.

What am I going to study?  Not a clue yet.  I’ll just keep cruising until it socks me between the eyes and I feel that excitement, that Knowing, that this is where I am meant to dive deep. I know that will happen. At the right time. And in the meantime I am loving discovering the wisdom and knowledge of the ancient (and not so ancient) Teachers that is there for those who wish to discover it.


I’ve always been, in many ways, a ‘physical’ person.  As a child it was ballet, as an adult I became an elite athlete.  That young person lived in a fantasy world of stage lights and dreams; the adult ran up mountains – just because.

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

The physical me was my way of hiding from the world.  As a dancer, I could live in any role I chose, be recognised and applauded; as an athlete I could challenge my body in a way that I did not know how to challenge the world around me.  Always, I was hiding from my true self.

In 1997, a lifetime of stress caught up with me and I became physically ill.  In pain so severe I was told I would need to use a wheelchair – but that was not a life I could envisage.  It was not a life where I could use my body to emotionally escape.  I began the work needed to change my physical world of pain, into something far more functional.

In 2015 I was in a good place.  Physically active despite still being in pain, life was good, but I still carried the emotional weight of my life.  Then I found the person who was to become my Spiritual Teacher, mentor and friend – Essence Ka tha’ras.  She has taught me to understand from an Energetic viewpoint, the story of my life.  She taught me how to re-write that story.  It’s a journey I am still on, and right now, as I write this, I am at another crux point.

One of the things Essence teaches is that you cannot separate the physical from the spiritual, and I have grown to fully embrace that Truth.  I recently turned 67 years of age and the abuses of a physical past are doing their level best to catch up and remind me of each and every ache and pain. Then, an accident 4 years ago, meant my physical mobility decreased again, resulting in my questioning my future.  I can choose to live comfortably, and happily as a fat, un-fit, older woman and, perhaps, pass from this life in another 10-15 years, or I can step up the work to change that, and potentially have many more years to explore this Universe – this beautiful Reality that holds so much knowledge, and mystery. 

I spoke in my last blog about making a commitment to Self, and when you get right down to it, I am looking at making a “Do-or-Die” commitment.  My Teacher reminded me this morning of my deep-felt need to study; that I have expressed a desire, and commenced the work, to dig deeper into that world of Energy, Frequency, Vibration.  I want to learn from the Masters and use that knowledge to colour my world and the world around me – and to do this I need to have all my tools available to me – my physicality as well as emotional, mental and spiritual aspects.

Photo by Gustavo Fring on Pexels.com

And as I write this, it appears that I have made that commitment, that Vow to Self.  Of course, I’m totally knackered after spending just 10 minutes on the treadmill, followed by a few ballet exercises, stretching, Tai Chi and some balance work.

Right now it feels good, but I do wonder how hard it is going to be to get out of bed tomorrow!


When we take our first step on a new path, enthusiasm is high, our desire to succeed is something exciting, and everything looks set for us to achieve something wonderful

I work with people who want to make changes in their lives; who want to understand why they get stuck in certain cycles; and how to deal with the hard things that crop up in every human’s life. These people embark on a Journey of Change. An exploration of Self.

Photo by Monstera on Pexels.com

I’ve been travelling this road for a number of years; a re-writing of my life-story. It’s not been an easy journey, I’ve had to review my beliefs, challenge my way of thinking, and look deep into how I – my mind, body and soul works, but the changes are profound. It’s a Journey that has become one of the richest and most important aspects of my life.

At the beginning of a Journey, be it something in our physical world such as choosing to get fitter, to leave an abusive partner, to study XYZ; or to travel on a journey of discovery through our mental, emotional or spiritual worlds, we start off with a choice.

We have to choose to actually DO whatever it is.  We have to choose to make the commitment to achieve the goals of our task, and have to choose to stick with it, even when it gets hard going. We are starting the process of transforming ourselves into a new story. We are aiming to make something in our lives better than it is now.

Once we make that decision, all things will come to us.  This is a confirmation, a response to the action steps being taken. Such a decision is a Vow to Self (or someone else) and it must be remembered that a Vow is Sacred.  A promise to Self to undertake such a journey is a Vow to Self.  Breaking of a Vow – even if it is just to you and doesn’t affect anyone else, isn’t likely to result in something good.  In other words, the situation about Self that you are wanting to change could get worse, at best, it will not change from where you are now. You’ll still be suck in that situation that you wanted to escape from.

A commitment to do something is a Vow. A Vow to Self. Be very careful about what you Vow. Don’t make a Vow to do something, if you are not prepared to follow through if you don’t want it to turn round and bite you!

Have you made a vow – a commitment to something? Did you follow through or did you drop off the path?


If you over-esteem talented individuals,

People will become overly competitive.

Lao Tzu. Tao Te Ching. Chapter 3

These two lines , written millennia ago, are very applicable to our current society.  It appears that competition and striving to be ‘top dog’ is built into our psyche.  At one time it may even have been a contributor to the survival of our species – a way of finding those individuals who are worthy of leading the tribe.

We have a tendency, as humans, to put people we consider ‘talented’ on pedestals.  We raise them up with adoration – or even with our dislike or discomfort.  We talk about them.  We watch items on TV and social media about them.  We pour our Energy in their direction.

When I read these two lines, my thoughts went to how we idolise certain people within our society.  Actors, singers, politicians, religious leaders – and even those who just know how to say the right words we want to hear.

Some we raise high because they make us feel good for a short time, they help us escape our everyday lives.  Some we put up on a pedestal, not because they are particularly ‘talented’ but because they say the same things that we agree with, that we believe.  Some are lifted to these lofty heights because they tell us what to do and we don’t have to wade through all the confusing knowledge and information that challenges us and can make us feel uncomfortable.

And these people climb their mountains, always striving to reach greater heights.  But are those heights beneficial to our society?  Are these pedestals raised on a foundation of wisdom, knowledge and grace, or are they built upon our need of entertainment, titillation, and ego?

When we focus on these icons of society, we are ‘feeding’ them Energy.  Our Energy (attention / focus / time / money / adoration / hatred etc) flows in the direction of our attention.  It doesn’t matter one little bit if the idol is beneficial for you as an individual or for the entire Collective Consciousness of Humanity and beyond – or not.  It is our Energy (attention / focus etc) that allows them to climb to the top of their mountain.  They’d never get there if we didn’t give them that Energy. 

We need to take responsibility for those we pushed to the top of the mountain – their actions (their power to be beneficial or not) are due to our focus (Energy) being directed their way.

 – and never forget that there is always someone coming behind, eager to push the idols off their pedestals and climb up there themselves.  We need to be discerning in where we focus our Energy.  Or that competition could, just, get out of hand.

Dreaming Big

 I had a dream.  It was a dream that has been with me for most of my life – and that is a lot of years.

Photo by Rachel Claire on Pexels.com

I met a man with the same dream, but his was much bigger than mine and we became friends.  I didn’t have the faith that would allow me to dream so big and he taught me that dreams should be as big as you can possibly make them, and then make them bigger still.  And so we dreamed.  We dreamed big, and then we dreamed bigger.  We were going to save the world, the galaxy, the entire cosmos!  Our dreams would heal those who hurt, feed those who hungered, give a place of safety for those who sought that.  Our dream was going to make a difference.

We talked, we laughed, we built these dreams in our minds.  I researched, wrote a million notes, read a thousand books and planned. 

Then the world changed.  Almost overnight the dream shattered into a million pieces and I was faced with a choice.  I could weep over these lost dreams; I could rage against world that caused the collapse of dreams for many, many people and not just those of my friend and I. 

But these dreams were just too good to just allow all those million pieces to be swept up and put out with the garbage.  And so I dreamed the million pieces of dream into a million seeds of hope and allowed them to float on the breeze, skim over the water, climb the mountains, and sprinkle through the valleys.  These seeds of hope exist in the energies of this world, they are breathed in by others who also dream and one day, they will land on fertile soil and grow strong again.

I suspect I won’t be here in this world by then, but I know that dreams never die – especially when they are dreamt big – and then bigger.  They are but seeds lying quietly waiting for the right conditions to bring them into the sunlight once again.

Thank you for reading.


When we see a spider – especially a big one – most of us will jump into freak-out mode.  There is something that just so ALIEN about the spider and all those legs… 

This spider is Florence. She came to live with me for a few weeks in 2019. She’s a Golden Orb Spider and is about the size of a medium saucepan.

I had a visit from Spider a few days ago.  A middle-sized Huntsman spider, about the size of the palm of my hand.  I was using the toilet at the time and she ran up the wall right next to me.  I can tell you, that was a tense moment!

Spider is about creation and right now this is something we, individually and collectively, really need to delve into.  Spider is reminding us that we are – each of us – a single thread in a massive weaving that forms all the Collective Consciousnesses of this planet and beyond.  This massive weaving is formed of the beliefs, the dreams, and the desires, of each part of the weaving.  It is formed from the words, thoughts and actions of people just like you.  You are creating this weaving, and as the Mistress of complicated, intricate weaving, Spider is the perfect animal ally to help us straighten out any knotted threads

Spider builds her web then she sits patiently, either on her web, or just off to the side where she can’t be easily seen, and she waits for her hard work to bring her a reward.  For her, it’s usually dinner, but what is the reward that you seek? 

Working with Spider Energy requires that you look deep into your Self and look at the Reward you most desire.  Look into the dark and scary places, the complicated and knotty places; and the bright and sparkly places and the places of abundance.  Look at what you believe about yourself, about the world around you and at the entire global society that you are a part of.  Look at things you want to achieve, ideas you want to bring to life, and ask yourself – especially if you have held onto these things for a long time yet not done anything about them – are these the rewards I want for the lifetime I am living here?  Do I want something different from my life?  Do I have beliefs that I have been hanging on to – on any subject – even when they appear to be going nowhere?  What do I want to create that will be how I am remembered when my time here is past?

Spider knows how to sit in silence.  How to be patient and give herself time to achieve her goals.  She understands that nothing is achieved if the hard work is not done first. 

She weaves with a tiny, thin, gossamer thread that she makes herself from her body. And she understands intuitively what is the right way to weave her threads together.   She knows that if she takes the right action steps, she can build her web into a solid and strong structure that will allow her to reap her reward.

We humans, also weave with a tiny, thin, gossamer thread of Belief, that we make, not with our bodies, but with our minds.  It is our Beliefs that build the structures we depend upon.  We need to know that the Beliefs are not out-dated, worn away by mis-use or lack of care or attention – because if they are, we will never build our society into a strong and solid structure that will allow us to reap our rewards.

Review what you have done so far and what you believe about YOU and the things you want to achieve.  Look deeply, and see what is the reward you seek in every interaction you have.  Is it Recognition, Praise, Acknowledgement?  Is it to know that you have made a difference?

Whatever it is – Create the life you want to live, but never forget that you must do the work in order to reap the reward.


How can we justify being focused on spiritual and philosophical pursuits when there is so much pain and suffering in the world?

This is a question asked by my Teacher, Essence Ka tha’ras.

I love her questions. They usually come when I’ve just got up in the morning and am still stumbling around trying to sort out my first cup of coffee. I swear, I am not human until after two cups of coffee, so when Essence greets me with questions such as this, it can be a bit of a shock to the system! This question arrived at a more civilised time, so I was able to crank up the brain cells….

This is the lesson I learned when I had my first mental breakdown in the early 1980’s  Life had always been stressful; I was a young mum who was also suffering from PTSD although it was another 20 years before that was diagnosed.  My husband watched the BBC News all day, and the only topic of conversation on the TV station was the various wars, famine, murders, IRA, Cold War and all the other terrors of that era.  It was too much.

At that time there was really only two methods of treating a breakdown – hospitalisation with electric-shock therapy or some really vicious drugs.  Either way, I would not be in a position to look after my baby and seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist was only for rich folk.  I was incredibly lucky in that my doctor was very forward thinking; and he was a neighbour.  What actually happened was that for about a year, he gave up his lunch time for an off-the-books appointment with me.  What he taught me, not only saved my sanity, but probably my life.

He asked me if I was going to physically do something about the world problems that were causing me such distress.  Was I planning to travel to Cambodia to assist the people who were struggling after surviving the Pol Pot regime?  Was I going to actually take food to the places around the world where children were starving?  Could I, personally, do anything about the IRA presence in my home town?

My answer was no.  I had a baby and a family to look after, and I could barely find the energy to leave my own house.

This doctor was the first person to teach me Compassion with Detachment, although he didn’t use those words.  In more recent years, Essence reminded me of this – during the time I was recovering from my 2nd breakdown – and my Dark Night Of The Soul.

He made a recommendation.  He suggested that I think about the world 150 years ago.  It would have been the 1830’s and most people had no idea what was happening in the next village, and certainly no knowledge of what was happening on the other side of the world.  My choice was to actually leave everything I knew and loved and go DO something – take Physical Action Steps – to rectify the world problems as I saw them, or I could focus on my local area, physically and emotionally, where I COULD, actually, do something to help.

This was the place I dwelled for the next 40 years – until Covid. Many people, me included at times, would have considered my choice as hiding my head in the sand. Many would think me very ignorant because I had no idea what was going on in the world. I had no idea who was Prime Minister or even which political party was holding sway. My quiet, small, voice was not going to make a difference, so my worrying myself sick over these things would only result in my being physically, emotionally and mentally even more hurt.

Thich Nhat Hanh summed it up beautifully

I am aware of what is going on in the world, but if I allow it within me, I will become sick.  If I am sick I am of no assistance to others.

Thich Nhat Hanh

What I now know is that my choice was an Energy choice.  I could devote a whole heap of Energy into fields where I had no ability to make a difference – and in the course of that, I would drain myself of any ability to do anything helpful in any arena.  Or I could focus my Energy on where I COULD make a difference.  In my case, it was my local community and my own physical and mental health.

At that time, I was in my Dark Night of the Soul.  Now, today, the entire Collective Consciousness of Humanity is in its Dark Night of the Soul– and we are heading towards a peak in those Energies.

I am now realistic – and, hopefully, wiser.  There are things I can do, and things I can’t.  I, as an individual cannot fix the world any more now than I could in the 1980’s.  But I can work in my local community, I can focus on my spiritual, physical and mental health.  I can, as an individual, stand in the Energy of being aware, of bearing witness, of doing what I AM able to do, where I am able to do it.  I choose not to make lots of public noise on social media, not because I think it’s wrong to make a noise, but because it’s simply not something – at this point in time – that I, as an individual, can do much about. 

We have to grow, we have to come together and we have to be absolutely sure of our Collective way forward.  Right now we are none of those things. 

Right now we are in a cycle that has been repeated for as long as humans hold memory. 

Is this going to be the last time we pass through this cycle?  I don’t know – but I doubt it.

So where do you want to focus your Energy?

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